Meltdown #2: The Highs and the Lows of Week 26

Week 26 was a hard one for me. Physically I felt fine... healthy even... but emotionally it was rough. I began to notice that I was sinking into a general state of gloom on Monday- and I tried to pull myself out of it! I read the scriptures and prayed. I baked muffins and checked things off of my to-do list and did everything I could think of to un-gloom myself.

Everything except talk about it.

Unfortunately, I had allowed all this emotion to build up inside of me and on Thursday just unloaded it all on AJ. A waterfall of tears and incoherent "I don't know"s bombarded the sweet man after work. He just held me and let me cry.

And after days of gloom I realized what was wrong: my life is about to change.

I am beginning to realize that this is a common theme for me. I go through waves of total acceptance and total freak-out-stress-out about the fact that my life will never be the same. I felt this was when we were expecting just one baby. oh woe is me... my life will never be the same... I would think to myself as I wallowed in self pity. For some reason it was easier to pull myself out of that mode as I thought of my sister-in-law who was able to maintain an awesome normal life when she had baby Clara.

Then we found out about the twins. For a while the overarching stress of finances, living situation, health concerns, and two babies clouded any other concerns. But now that I am beginning to wrap my head around those initial concerns- other ones creep in and take their place. For example: my life is about to change.

Not in the, "I am going to be a tired mess for the first few months" kind of way. Not even in the, "I can't work with two babies" kind of way. I am realizing it is much less... and much more than that.

It all started with the grocery store.

Now-a-days I tire out so easily. My feet swell up to the size of balloons and it is painful to walk. Sometimes my feet even hurt when I am sitting down- they constantly feel like they are bruised! I try to elevate them as much as I can, but even if I sit normally for 15 minutes the swelling and pain return. what the heck?

Anyway. I needed to go to the grocery store last week and so I went. Thinking to myself that I am a strong and capable woman- I can do the grocery shopping by myself! Plus, I know the store like the back of my hand and have (in the past) completed the shopping errand in 20 minutes flat. AJ was out of town for work and so I went to the store. Unfortunately- I can't walk as fast as I would like.. so it took longer. My feet were already swollen... and so it hurt walking up and down the isles. My big belly is... big... so getting anything from the bottom shelf was a pain.

By the time I was in the check out line, I was SO DONE. The very kind manager must have seen the wearied look on my face and put all my groceries on the conveyer belt for me. Without that act of kindness, I probably would have cried.

But once I got home and crashed on the couch I started to feel gloomy. I started thinking about all of the other normal things that will no longer be normal or easy for me. Sure-- this painful stage of pregnancy won't last forever. But once I am back to my "normal" self we will have two babies that will make any semblance of normalcy difficult for a while.

I will no longer be able to make a quick run to the grocery store- without having to gear up and get out of the house with two babies.
I will no longer be able to- at 9pm- decide to run to AJs work party and hang out- without finding a babysitter or taking the boys with us.
We will no longer be able to go on a spontaneous date night and sit and talk for hours without any concern of where we need to be next.
I will no longer be able to go to the Temple on a moments notice when I feel the need for extra strength (this is even hard to do now because of how tired I get...).

Its these little, silly, normal parts of our every day life right now that I realized last week I will miss.

And I almost feel like I realized it too late.

If I had the vision of where I am at now a few months ago- I wouldn't have taken grocery shopping for granted! I would have taken every opportunity to go to the Temple and to make a dinner for someone in the ward. I would have gone on more spontaneous dates with AJ and we would have lived-up our summer more. I know that life will change. And after my freak-out-and-cry session last week I have come to terms with it.

Why? Because life won't be the same because we will have two babies. Two precious sons of Heavenly Father who will make our lives chaotic and wonderful. And yeah- I am going to miss my normal life... but I wouldn't miss out on the chance to become a momma just to be able to run to the store and grab bread whenever we need it.




Blessings of Week 26:::
- Realizing that my life will be better with two babies
- Spending time with AJ
- We made homemade biscuits and gravy!!! YUM!
- I also made blueberry muffins... they saved me during my period of late-night hunger!
- The baby shower in Provo was on Saturday. I was so blessed to spend time with friends and hear their advice and encouragement! Melissa did an amazing amazing amazing job planning the whole thing! Love that woman.
- Saturday I also got to spend time with my mom! We went shopping for baby stuff (by the last store I was wiped out and sat in a big comfy glider chair the whole time. AJ and momma had to bring the things over to me to look at/approve!!). I love my mom.
- My brother and sister-in-law recommended two books to us... and we were able to find BOTH at the library! It was a blessing to not have to wait for/buy the books.
- We had dinner with our friends Stephen and Stefani on Sunday night. It was so nice to spend time with them!!!!
- AJ traveled safely to and from NYC. He did give me a good scare when he wasn't where he said he would be when it was time to pick him up.... anyone who talked to me that night can attest: I was a mess! c:
- Novi completed their Kickstarter campaign and raised around $175,000!! Which is over twice the amount they had originally hoped to raise!
- My BFF Sammie's b-day happened. Love her.

Much love,
G

Week 24: Blessings from the milestone week!

I am feeling a whole heck of a lot of relief....

I am officially 24 weeks!! 

This is big news. The babies are now at a point of development that is considered safe. If the boys are born now, they will survive and have a better chance of being healthy!!!! 

Thank you bed rest.

Now my task is to keep these babies gestating for as loooong as possible. The longer they are in eutero, the chubbier and better developed they are at birth! 

I did some research the other day about babies being born at various levels of gestation and the time that they subsequently spend in the NICU. 

what was I thinking??? 

It totally freaked me out, while at the same time informing me so that I can be mentally prepared for the best... and the worst case scenarios. 

(These numbers are based on various readings of twin mom experiences and also medical websites)

Babies born at 30 weeks gestation spend approximately 8-10 weeks in the NICU. 

Babies born at 33 weeks gestation spend approximately 5-8 weeks in the NICU.

Babies born at 35 weeks gestation (the average gestation time for twins, btw) spend approximately 4-5 weeks in the NICU. 

Babies born at 37 weeks gestation spend approximately 0-2 weeks in the NICU.

*disclaimer- there are always other factors going into NICU time. Some of these numbers may not be your experience, and some women shared stories of big, healthy twins born at 34 weeks going home 5 days after birth. These stories were the exception most often.*

It was really good for me to put this in perspective. I used to think, "oh even if my babies are born early... They will go to the NICU but probably come home after just a few days or a week or something." Not so, sister! I am nervous now because... obviously... I don't want our babies to spend the first weeks/months of their lives in the NICU. However. it makes the reality of the benefits of resting and being healthy so much clearer.  I am so much more motivated to do all the things I am supposed to do- increasing the chances of their safety. 

Anyway: onto the blessings from week 24!!

- I was put on a lighter form of bed rest! Wahoo wahoo. I basically was told to listen to my body and follow that as a guide- without going back to the amount of activity I was doing before I was put on bed rest... So my limit is two(ish) activities a day. My problem is that I'm doing more around the house and doing more activities.... For example- today we went to church and had lunch with a friend (2 activities) but then we got home and I organized and made dinner, etc. So by the end of the day I am EXHAUSTED by doing so much. It was hard this week to navigate my physical activity with everything going on. This next week I am going to do a better job at resting more and not pushing myself to the limits again. 

- I was stopped at the store and told "you are such a cute pregnant lady!" by some random gal. I love her for that! 

- I was actually feeling up to getting dolled up today! 

I curled my hair and everything! 

- AJ and I took time to organize our room this weekend. We have been living out of random boxes and suitcases and it feels SO GOOD to have an organized space. 

- AJs mom came into town this week! We were able to spend some time with her and we sure had fun! She also got us the cutest baby clothes. The onesies say, " handsome like daddy" c: 

- we had delicious delicious food this week! 

- I was able to see Erika (one of my best friends- she and I roomed together for 3 years and she now lives in Montana... Sad life). She came to visit with her new baby! 

All in all... Life has been good this week! 

This is me week 22::

This is me week 24!!! Look at that bump grow! 

Another pic... This one is from today.

Much love,

G

PS::

Remember that time last year when AJ and I were in Japan? We had so few responsibilities, no money, and we were living the dream! I can't believe how far we have come in just one year! I love my man.

Just an Ounce of Gratitude...

Sometimes I get down on myself for not posting more... but then I come to days like this and remember that the reason I post isn't to simply update on anything; I post to express the most inconceivable emotions and hopefully figure them out through words on a screen. 

it usually works, trust me!

Today has been marvelous! I sat next to AJ in a pew at church and thought to myself, i am the luckiest girl alive. I have no complaints about today- it was perfect!

I felt the Spirit really teach me today! I have been yearning for a cry-for-the-full-3-hours kind of Sunday and, man- today was it! i am taking this moment to apologize to my fellow pums12th ward members for my shameless tear ducts! this is not the last time... fair warning. Everything that was shared was exactly what I needed to hear, and it just makes me all the more grateful for my Heavenly Father who really paid attention to that need and allowed my need to be filled. 

after writing a paragraph and deleting it due to a major feeling of disconnect, i have decided:

i am not going to bore you with details of how i felt during each meeting... 

instead, i will share my testimony and

 hopefully then this restless feeling will pass and i will get to take a nap.

I really know that I have a loving Father in Heaven who loves me and cares for me more than I could ever deserve. I am blessed with the ability to walk, hear, smell, see, feel, and know what is going on around me. I will be forever grateful for those foundational qualities of my life. My God has blessed me with so many things and sometimes all I can think is: who am i to deserve this? 

who am i to deserve to see the fire-like sunset that took my breath away?

who am i to deserve it when my little niece waves and giggles when she sees me?

who am i to deserve to feel so much love from my husband. he is so kind to me- what have i ever done to deserve that?

who am i to deserve wonderful opportunities for growth; doors that keep opening up at my heels. i have rarely been stressed about my future... why me?

who am i to deserve delicious food and friends that make me grin from ear to ear?

who am i to deserve the promise of eternity... made possible by a Brother, Savior, and Friend.

I am so grateful for everything I have ever been blessed with. My heart is overflowing with gratitude right now... so much that it hurts!  

who am i to deserve to know my Savior? 

I long for others to feel this feeling. This pure gratitude and overwhelming, tangible sense of reliance on Christ. I am so grateful for my understanding of the Plan of Salvation! I ache for those around me to be happy... to know that there is good in the world and to have something...to have eternity... to hope for. I yearn to find ways to help someone feel an ounce of love; a small something to remind them of the pure love that Heavenly Father knows for each one of us. 

oh what joy, as gratitude fills my heart! 

I don't know if I have said all that needs to be said... but my mind and heart are satisfied knowing that I have taken this ounce of time to share my emotions. 

with (so much deep, enveloping, heart-felt) love,

g

"It All Starts Here": Our Engagement Story

This is what I wrote the night that Austin Hamner Jr. asked me to marry him. this story warms my heart C:


sunday   1.22.2012
today has been surreal. i don't know if i can properly put it into words... but here i go...

This morning during Church, Bishop Radmall announced that the Temple Preparation class was starting today. I asked him if it would be alright if I went- seeing as I would be engaged within the next couple weeks. Bishop could see how excited I was and said that it would be more than okay if I attended the class. It was wonderful. I gained a lot about my role as a child of God.

After Church, Laura (my roommate) and my home teachers came over! This was a huge blessing because I haven't been home taught since April 2011. I felt very blessed because of their diligence.

Then AJ and I went to AJ's Aunt Vivian and Uncle Louie's home for dinner. We decided on the way to their house that afterwards, we would drive to the Provo Temple and walk around. Dinner was amazing and it was so much fun to spend time with everyone!

While we were there, AJ asked me if he could wear my CTR [choose the right] ring. I didn't want to give it to him because I thought that he would lose it! But he insisted, so I let him keep it. i actually was kind of frustrated because i really didn't want him to lose it- and i was sure that i would have to go buy another one! 

Well, we left and drove up to the Provo Temple. The gates were closed- so we parked on the east side of the Temple (uphill) and looked out from above. AJ wanted to get out and walk around and I said something along the lines of, aj, i am wearing ridiculously tall, open-toed high heels and a skirt. it is freezing outside and there is snow on the ground. you will have to carry me across the snow.  He agreed and swooped me into his arms.

We looked out at the valley and the Temple and AJ said, "Grace, it all starts here." i was completely oblivious to what was about to happen because i knew he didn't have the ring. and so i definitely missed this clue. We talked about some other things, and hugged while we did so. I could feel his heart beating really hard- and he was breathing nervously... and this is the first time that i thought that maybe, maybe he would propose. I justified myself out of thinking that he was going to do it because: he didn't have the ring, it was completely random to propose today, and there was no way that he would kneel in the snow. After I let the proposal idea leave my mind, I felt AJ's hands fidget behind my back. I thought, so... he's taking off the ring....... but I still hadn't completely put it all together. He said something about how he wanted to have the real ring, but he just couldn't wait-

and then he got down on one knee
in the snow
and asked me to marry him.

C:

I was shocked. Literally speechless! But after a few moments of speechless exuberance, I managed to formulate "yes." I kissed him and we laughed together and he said, wait... you said yes, right? Silly boy, I laughed and replied of course! Then he swooped me into what I thought was a dip, but he just set me in the snow! I cried, aj, what in the world! it is freezing!  and he said, well, i thought i might as well do something crazy! As if proposing to me wasn't crazy enough!

He pulled me up and I pretended that there was something in my shoe. I reached down, grabbed a handful of snow and chucked it at him. We had a mini snow fight and then he put my CTR ring on my finger. He said, i am the luckiest man in the world. and I said, i'm the happiest girl in the world.

We got in the car and that is when it really hit me. I started crying because I felt so grateful. I never thought that gratitude would be the most prominent feeling when I got engaged- yet here I am overflowing with gratitude. I told AJ some of the reasons why I am so grateful. The Spirit was definitely there.

We called my family and his family and then went over to Spencer and Ashley Anne's home to tell them the news! AA and Spence got out the video camera and recorded us telling the story! i am so grateful for their foresight. and don't worry- i will put it up when i can! 

now that i have written what happened- it is time to write how i am feeling...

I am amazed- It is wonderful and beautiful to me that AJ, the man of my dreams, chose me. I am so grateful that he saw some kind of potential in me and decided to grab my hand and take a leap of faith with me. I feel at peace, like everything is going to be better than I can imagine. I feel happy! I can't stop smiling- I truly feel like a queen! He is so loving and kind to me. I am so grateful.

I am so grateful for my loving Heavenly Father who trusts me enough to give me such a beautiful life. I have more blessings than I can count- and I am amazed that despite my undeserving nature, He gives them to me anyways. My testimony is strong in my God and I know that He loves me.

I wish I was more eloquent right now... but all I can say is that the Spirit confirmed to me many times that this is right. I have seen AJ's potential and I am excited to stand with him throughout eternity. Gratitude for AJ and for my Heavenly Father fills my heart and I truly feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

it all starts here...
and i can't wait. 

much love,
Grace [soon-to-be] Hamner

I Thank My Heavenly Father for Days Like These.

warning: at this point, i have no idea what path this post will take. i have a feeling that this is a way for me to process the way i am feeling right now- and in that case it will most likely have a confusing beginning, thoughtful midsection, and a testimony-bearing conclusion. however, it could also be a random mess of words on a screen. if you get to the end and think "man this was a waste of time," i can sleep peacefully knowing that i gave you fair warning.

I feel compelled to write this. Almost as strongly as I felt to write in August- and when I feel this way, the words flow naturally; the thoughts run effortlessly from my brain through my arms and fingers and transmit onto the computer screen with each key I press. So here I go...

i feel unsettled.

I just finished watching the movie The Help with my family (excellent movie, by the way. i would recommend it to anyone) and I can't help but halt at the way I am feeling right now. The movie is an inspiring and beautiful story about the Civil Rights movement, and I am sure that most people finish the movie and watch the credits with a sense of resolve and peace knowing that racial equality won. why am i not like most people? Yet unlike the majority, I sat silent and watched the white text pop onto the screen with a sense of emptiness clinging in my heart. Not twenty minutes later, I feel lonely and sad as I sit here and cry on the bunk-bed from my childhood.

sometimes you just need to cry for no reason...
sometimes there is a reason.

Tonight I feel two emotions that leave a trail of salty tears on my cheeks: the first, sympathy and the second, gratitude. let me begin with the first. 


I have always felt a deep connection to other people's emotions. For example: when a friend tells me happy news, I get so excited that it would seem as though the great thing was happening to me. Additionally, I cry when something even remotely sad happens to... anyone...including movie characters. I don't think that I have seen a movie that I haven't cried in for at least a couple months. This character trait has been prominent since I was a little girl. seriously, i bawled through the movie air bud the first time i saw it. That is one reason why I am so unsettled tonight- the emotions in the movie were so real to me. I felt as though each story the women relayed cut straight to my heart and helped me feel a tiny but of their pain.

Now, you may be sitting there and thinking, grace, honey, those characters in the movie are not real people. the movie was based on a fiction novel- don't worry about it. But that is where you are wrong. Those stories aren't false, they are true... for somebody. For some poor maid, mechanic, bus driver, son or daughter those stories of hate and prejudice are all that he/she ever knew. People were and still are born and raised in this country, my country, that never know anything but crude names and dirty looks on the street. For anyone, past or present, that has known some kind of rejection based on color, social status, disability, weight, religion, etc... my heart goes out to you. i am so sorry. Sometimes I live in this perfect bubble of happiness and daisies where I rarely think about the emotional suffering  going on all around this world.

Today I was awakened to a desire to do more.

I resolve to smile and say hello to as many people on the street as I can.
I resolve to look people in the eyes- beautiful eyes of green, blue, brown, grey, etc.- and silently say to them you are my equal.
I resolve to slow down a little in order to have more time to seek out and fulfill the needs of others.
I resolve to learn more of Christ and how He loved in order to apply those same qualities and that same attitude into my life.
I resolve to be happy and to lift other people's burdens by sharing that happiness without hesitation.

...without days like these, lives wouldn't change. 

i thank my Heavenly Father for days like these. 

I am so grateful for my life and my health. I am grateful that I have the ability to consciously choose to live a better life. I am grateful that I know who I am, a daughter of God, and I am grateful that I can share that testimony with others. I am grateful that I have been given the opportunity to help others see that life is meant to be enjoyed...

i resolve to be the kind of person that everyone feels comfortable connecting with. if anyone feels completely alone, i hope they can feel peace knowing that there is someone on this earth that cares. i may not know the situation (or even the person)... but i care. 

More than anything an average girl like me can do, there is something more. A lesson I learned early in my life is that there is a loving, kind Father in Heaven that cares. His compassion can do more for us than we will ever be able to comprehend. So when you feel alone, you can think of little old Grace that cares for you or you can think of the God that knows you better than anyone and can bring peace more fully and quickly than anyone.

well, i feel settled now. i am going to go to sleep.

much love,
g