Mack and Dean... the Birth Story

I was inspired the other day by a friend's birth story blog post to finally write mine! I don't know why I didn't do it earlier... it's been 6 months... I have it all in my journal, but I never transposed it into the blog. Actually, its probably because I don't have much time on my hands anymore! c: 

I was at the OBGYN for my 36 Week Appointment and due to high blood pressure and other reasons, he told me that the best option was to be induced early that next week. I agreed and spent the next few days stressing about being induced. I had heard that being on Pitocin was incredibly painful... and I also felt very strange about missing out on that TV-labor-and-delivery-scene experience. You know, being wheeled into the hospital while screaming in pain looking like a crazy person! I definitely didn't want to miss out on that! The idea of walking up to the registration desk and saying, "I am here to be induced" so nonchalantly gave me the creeps. I know, I know... I am weird! 

Due to my strange and scared notions about being induced, I decided to try to have the babies come naturally over that weekend. So I walked around a little (really I am not sure it can even count as 'walking around' because of how hard it was... it was more like I shuffled around a little), tried primrose oil on Friday, and on Sunday night I tried castor oil as my last-ditch attempt at inducing natural labor. No such luck!

On Monday September 29th, 2014, I woke up and got dressed. I knew I wasn't supposed to eat a lot before I went in, but Dr. K told me to eat something! So AJ and I went to Kneader's and got muffin tops and smoothies.

    

delish!

In hindsight, I wish I had eaten more. c:

When we arrived at the hospital I was whisked into a L&D room and they began to hook me up to machines in order to track the babies' heartbeats. Baby A's heartbeat was normal, but Baby B's heart rate was unusually high. High enough to cause the nurses to be concerned. They threw around the scenario that if his heart rate didn't slow down in an hour then they would need to life-flight us to another hospital. 

Lots of prayers were said... and honestly I felt such a peace flow through me that I knew that we would all be okay regardless of what happened. Thankfully, his little heart rate lowered and we got to stay in Logan.

At 10:30am I was started on Pitocin, and it took me until 4pm to dilate to 4cm. During those 5ish hours I didn't have any kind of pain medication and honestly it wasn't that bad. I had a great team of people who helped me go through the stages of labor. 

My team consisted of:

- AJ. of course. This man wins a prize!! He rubbed my back and helped me breathe and held me up when I could barely stand. He encouraged me and supported me and didn't make any weird faces at all the nasty things that occur during labor. I love him.

- Mom. this woman amazes me! She kept me comfortable and gave me advice and made sure that I had everything that I needed. She was my advocate with the nurses and is wiser than I even knew before. 

- Bri French. doula. How do I accurately describe my relationship with Bri? Let's see... she is like my twin from another family. Our personalities are very similar and I feel completely comfortable around her. Her family is my family. Despite all of this, when my mom recommended that Bri attend the birth, I was against the idea. I was anxious already about the unknowns of labor and I didn't want to it to be weird for Bri and my relationship. However, I thought about it more and as the delivery date approached I realized how beneficial it would be for me to have a midwife/labor coach there to help keep me informed... especially someone that I admire and trust so much. Best decision ever. She was perfect! Bri helped the first stage of labor feel fine. The contractions ebbed and flowed, but I was able to manage the pain with her instruction. I am forever grateful for her role in my life. 

- Kasi French. errand runner. Kasi's personality is different from her sister's, for sure! She doesn't enjoy the birthing process and so she was the official family errand-runner and food-getter. She made sure that everyone was comfortable and she brought a humor to the room, which was absolutely appreciated. 

- Val. my sister. She really rose up to the occasion! I was a little nervous about how she would handle the whole process, but she was awesome. All of her shielding-of-the-eyes and voicing her discomfort brought a sense of lightness with her. It helped take my mind off of everything. 

- Dad. Oh my goodness. My dad was so uncomfortable with the whole situation. Most of the time he hung out in the lobby, which I didn't mind! He really hated seeing me in pain, but when I really needed him, he was there. He kept reminding me that I was in charge of what happened.

- Emma. my sister. Emma was in and out due to school and work... but I am so happy that she was able to come!! She was so excited about everything, finally being able to meet the twins. She helped me feel that same excitement and it took over the nerves. 

- Ryan. He pretty much hung out in the lobby... I mean I don't blame him!! But he was there for moral support and to meet the twins and it was so nice for him to be there! 

That's a pretty big L&D team... i know. And to be completely honest, I never thought I would feel comfortable having my family (Bri and Kasi included) traipsing around while I delivered babies. But  it actually turned out to be awesome. awesome awesome awesome! Having all those people I love surrounding me turned the whole experience into one big party! We were singing along to music, we watched Jim Gaffigan YouTube videos, ate popsicles, and just talked about life. It was so fun! 

 The glorious Bri French massaging my sore back! 

At one point I was so cold I had them put like 9 blankets on me... 

and I was still shivering!!!!! 

I never thought I would describe labor as fun... but it was! 

Since I had the desire to try natural labor, and the first 4cm weren't too bad pain-wise, I was thinking that I could do it. Bri was really encouraging and I felt confident. Then somewhere around 4cm dilated- I started to really feel the pain! I think a huge part of it was that I was exhausted (I didn't sleep well Sunday night). At this point I pulled AJ aside and we decided that it was time for the epidural. 

best. decision. ever. 

The anesthesiologist came in and I covered my eyes. I didn't want to see any of the needles or tools he was using for the epidural. Ignorance is bliss in these situations. To be honest, I barely felt it go in... and pretty soon afterwards was able to relax enough I got to take a short nap! bless you, epidural. 

45 minutes after I got the epidural, my nurse came in to check on how labor was progressing. I had dilated to 9cm and was 100% effaced! In 45 minutes I went from 4cm-9cm... and I didn't feel a thing! it was glorious. It took me another hour to dilate to 10cm and at that time the epidural began to wear off. The pain wasn't too bad, so I didn't re-administer the pain medication... but boy did I regret that decision once it came time to push. I pushed for about an hour and I just was feeling stressed about the pain. Also knowing that I could be pushing for another who knows how long factored into the equation. I remember my dad was propping up my back, and I was telling him how badly it was hurting. He looked at me and said, "Grace, you can do this without using more pain medication, but it is your choice. If you want more medication... don't wait on it." Smart man! I had the doctor give me more... and it definitely helped. Unfortunately I had waited too long and the epidural took a long time to kick in- so I felt a lot of the pain and pressure during delivery.

With the potential risks of a twin delivery, they decided to move me into the OR as a precaution. The nurse told me I could pick two people to come with me. My mom wasn't feeling well at all, so AJ and Bri got all decked out in their scrubs and came with me. It was strange being wheeled into the sterile OR room-- there was a metal table that the nurse wanted me to get on for delivery but I begged (I would have gotten on my knees if I could have) and they let me stay in my comfy hospital bed! 

The actual delivery part was such a blur. I just remember little snippets: Dr. K asking me if I wanted to touch Baby A's head as he was coming out. uuuuuuh uuuuuuuh no thanks! The pain/pressure of pushing until the epidural kicked back in. yikes. 

Then all of a sudden Baby A was in my arms. I always shuddered at the thought of having a shall we say... slimy... newborn in my arms. But it was the best feeling ever! He came out crying and cute. When the nurses took him away, my eyes followed him around the room. Dr. K told me that I had to wait a few minutes before pushing for Baby B to come out... follow the natural flow of the contractions... so we waited. It didn't take very long, around 5 or so minutes, for me to feel it again and before I knew it we were headed for round 2! 

As I tried to push, someone announced Baby A's weight: 6lbs 11oz. I was thinking about how big he was and how grateful I was that I didn't even realize Dr. K was using a vacuum (aka weird plunger type thing) to try to get Baby B out. When the vacuum popped off of Baby B's head and smacked my insides (yeah... NOT PLEASANT) I jumped a little bit and yelped! Dr. K looked at me fiercely and told me to focus- I still had one baby who needed to come out safe and sound. His heart rate had begun climbing so I knew I needed to get him out before an emergency C-section was needed. 

And so I pushed. 

One strong push was really all it took and all of a sudden a 5lb 4oz Baby B was in my arms. My first thought was, "he isn't crying. please cry. please, Heavenly Father let his lungs be strong and cry!!" Half a second later he was crying and I was crying and then I laughed to myself because I never thought I would pray for my babies to cry! 

Dr. K was kind of cracking me up because he kept asking if I wanted to know what was going on down there with all the last stage of labor/afterbirth stuff. I kept trying to act interested because it is good to know these things... but I was getting so grossed out! Due to his education I do know these things: I tore very little because, even though I gave birth twice, their heads were smaller than full-term babies; the placenta weighs quite a bit (and it looks super weird); and the nurses give you a little massage on your limbs to... actually I forgot why they do this, but hey, I got a massage! 

Baby B, the proud father, and Baby A... My 3 wonderful men!! 

At this point I was given two little bundles and was told to hold them while they wheeled me back to our room to meet the family. I held them in awe that I had given birth to this... newness. I couldn't decide who to look at... so my eyes kept shifting from one baby to the other. After the family met and cuddled my little loves, I tried to nurse them. I had read that it is a natural instinct for babies and I figured they would just latch on right away and be amazing... but it wasn't like that... and unfortunately we didn't have time to figure it all out because they had to go to the NICU for a 3-hour observation. Every preemie does. So I watched them be taken away and thought that maybe I would get some sleep. 

NOT! The time right after you deliver is something I don't think anyone truly prepared me for. The nurses come and check on you every few minutes with medications, ice packs, and fundus checks. i hate fundus checks. hate. hate. hate!!! I know they are important, but let me just say it was very painful... I will probably write more about it in another post. I'm that passionate about it! 

After the 3-hour observation, a nurse came to inform me that both of my little guys passed everything apart from their glucose tests. Their numbers were very low and this meant that they needed to stay in the NICU until their little bodies regulated glucose appropriately. As sad as we were, it was really late (or early in the morning) so we decided to rest and visit the boys in the morning. That was one of the best decisions ever because I was able to focus on healing. AJ actually let me sleep in and he took the NICU shift until I woke up. i love that man. 

It took a couple days of us going back and forth from the NICU to decide on both of their names. The first time I walked into the NICU, I just knew that Baby B was Dean David Hamner. He just looked like a Dean to me. 

Deciding on Baby A's name took longer. We kept going back and forth between Hugh and McKay (nickname Mack) and had actually settled on Hugh. Then we just felt very strongly that his name was not Hugh and we needed to take some more time to think about it. After a little discussion we realized that we didn't want to name him McKay if he would always have to say, "but I go by Mack." So we decided to just name him Mack Austin Hamner! It really is the perfect name for him. 

All in all- I labored less than 12 hours, had around 12lbs of baby inside of me at time of delivery, and at one point I think I had 12 people in my L&D room!! And as a result I got two beautiful, silly, happy, healthy, smiley sons. I would do it all over again c:

 Dean and Mack @ 1 week

Baby Dean Update #2

Ladies and gents... Dean is officially cord free! He no longer needs the oxygen and he is doing really well without it! 

He has gotten stronger the past week- despite his sickness and all that it entailed! He is starting to roll over... Mack hasn't even tried to do so yet. Mack is such an easy going little man. 

I set Dean down in his car seat so he could take a nap yesterday. He was still coughing a lot so we wanted his head elevated. Anyways, after about an hour I went over and saw him like this::

Hehehe c:

I just can't get over how adorable this is! I know that mobile babies are stressful... But I'm just thinking about all the fun things associated with it! 

Other happy things: 

- Mack and Dean are starting to notice one another! 3.5 months and it's happening! I had them laying next to each other and they turned their heads and locked eyes... Dean didn't turn away for nearly 5 minutes!! 

- It is likely that we found an apartment in Provo!! We can now start the process of returning to "normal" life. However, I've never attempted to live "normally" with twins and so I'm anxious about leaving family! My parents have been so kind to let us live here and take over their house! We really have been blessed.

Much love,

G

Baby Dean Update

Sweet little man was in the hospital for 3 days. He is home now... still on oxygen... but he is home! Being in the hospital with my baby was hard, but I had no idea how hard it would be as a mom of twins...

let me explain. 

Momma, Emma, and Ashley Anne were taking incredible care of Mack at home and I knew he was in great hands... but I missed him so much. I had never been away from either baby for longer than just a few hours- you know for date night or temple night, etc. I was so wrapped up with all the medical stuff and worrying about baby Dean that I didn't really have time to think about Mack for a long while. It wasn't until I had some downtime in the evening that I realized how sad I was to be away from him. I missed his big droopy cheeks and big eyes.

But then, when I was able to go home the next afternoon, I desperately missed Dean! I picked up this adorable little turtle bath toy and for some reason it reminded me of Dean and I started crying! 

It was pathetic to say the least.

I just felt bad that I was at home playing and resting while the little man was still roughing it in the hospital! I couldn't wait to get back and give him some comfort and help him feel loved. I know babies don't have the whole object permanence thing down... but can they tell when they are alone? I mean, there were nurses everywhere who fed him while AJ and I slept at home Friday night... but did he feel lonely and miss his family? I felt absolutely horrible knowing that my baby was in the hospital, potentially in pain from the IV or some other procedure, and I wasn't there to sing to him or hold his hand or anything! I felt like a lousy mama that night. 

On Saturday, we left Mack with my Dad and both went to the hospital. Dr. Brown told us that Dean would be discharged later that night, though he would still need oxygen for a couple of days at home. It was hugely relieving to know that my whole family would be under the same roof and I could take care of both of my babies! Mack has been so sweet through it all- he has been so smiley and easy going for the past couple of days! It is almost like he knows Dean is sick and he wants to do whatever he can to make our lives easier. Dean is doing well- his coloring is back to normal and his appetite is getting back to where it normally is.

We are still keeping the boys separate until Dean is cleared from the doctor. I can't wait to let them play again and see how they react to each other after almost a week of being apart!! one of the perks of having twins c: 

love,
G

Motherhood Is Not For the Faint of Heart

What am I doing here- binge watching Gilmore Girls in a pediatric hospital room listening to baby Dean breathe?

Man, this RSV stuff sucks. 

He has been sick for a few days and we were managing it. Humidifier. Snot sucking. Sitting in the steamy bathroom. Snot sucking. Taking him outside to breathe in the cold air. Repeat. 

Mack had been sick the week before but the doctor said it was a mild case of croup and we shouldn't worry. So naturally I assumed that's what Dean had when he started showing symptoms. 

Then yesterday morning his breaths were so shallow that I just knew I needed to take him to the doctor. We drove to the urgent care and I pulled him out of the car seat. 

Oh my gosh, did I accidentally brings Mack?

No, no, I brought Dean. Whoo! The next thing I know we are called back to the office. Mental note to self: the wait time is significantly reduced when an infant is involved. 

The doctor did his thing and ordered some tests: RSV, flu, pneumonia. Tested positive for RSV, negative for flu, x-Ray showed pneumonia in his right lung. BTW-- Baby x-Rays are no fun. He was basically stuck in a tube with his arms above his head to keep him from moving during the procedure. I could live a hundred more years and be perfectly content never having to watch my baby go through that again. 

So with that wonderful diagnosis we set on a day's journey of going back and forth to the hospital's ROC (respiratory outpatient care) center. 3 times in less than 24 hours. Each time his stats were lower until this morning the doctor said his stats were too low to send him home. Thus Dean was admitted to the hospital. 

It's been a miserable two days on my end. I see my sweet baby suctioned out and strapped in and prodded. His eyes are red and he is so sleepy but barely gets any rest. He is hungry, I can tell, but can't breathe which keeps him from eating even a decent amount of food. So he is cat napping and snacking in a vicious 20-30 minute cycle. My headaches have been rampant (better now thanks to modern medicine) and I miss my husband (who is out of town on business until tomorrow). 

Rough rough day. Motherhood is not for the faint of heart. 

I am so grateful for my mom, Emma, and Ashley Anne for taking care of Mack. I am grateful for the doctors and nurses who are taking such good care of Dean. I am grateful that Mack isn't in the hospital. I am grateful that baby Dean is being such a trooper. 

I just can't wait for him to get better. I can't wait for AJ to get home. And I've decided that once this whole experience is over- I am going to the spa. 

Much love,

G

The Chronicles of the NICU

10/21/2014

These past few weeks have been some of the most mentally, physically, and emotionally draining weeks I've had in a long while. They have also been the most joyful, fulfilling, and inspiring weeks of my entire life.

Our babies are now three weeks old! We had their second check up with the pediatrician last Wednesday and we learned that Dean is 6oz heavier than birth weight! Dr. B said he was a champion! We struggled in the NICU trying to get Dean to eat- due to the crazy strict schedule down there and the fact that the babes had to have glucose tests done before and after they ate, they were on an eating schedule of every 3 hours. Mack caught on to this schedule pretty quickly.... but Dean struggled. We tried nursing, SNS, and bottle feeding... and nothing was working all that well. With the bottle we were only able to get him to eat 10-15 (mayyyyybe 20) ml. Even with the IV, his glucose levels kept going up and down- toying with our emotions! 

For three mornings in a row the nurses would talk about how they thought Dean would be discharged that day. I would always get my hopes up and then feel a major let down when later they would tell me how his glucose had dropped into the low 30s again (the goal was to get his glucose stable at least @ 50). It is really hard to emotionally connect to a little tiny, fragile thing hooked up to IVs and machines. Cords running everywhere- I was always afraid I would pull something out! 

Both babies had this type of set-up... They got to share a twin room!

Honestly, the best thing I did to connect to little Dean was to do skin-to-skin. About halfway through day 2 of NICU, I asked his nurse if that would be allowed. It felt kind of weird with the wires running all over me, but we cuddled and I sang and he slept like a log. It really was a turning point for us- he started eating better and his levels became more consistent. It's not like he instantly jumped into the 50s range and was released from the NICU... But he began improving and was released just a day and a half later!  

Mack was easier to connect with. I think a huge part of it was the fact that he was born a pound and a half bigger than Dean. Even though he had the NICU wires, too, he was less fragile-looking and felt more solid in my arms. He also caught onto SNS pretty well, which allowed me to bond via nursing. SNS stands for supplemented nursing system- there is a syringe filled with milk and a long skinny tube that you place on your chest which allows the baby to "nurse" even though his muscles aren't really strong yet. You push the milk into the baby's mouth and he eats! Vualah! Since Mack was such a good eater, he was discharged from the NICU after two days- whereas Dean was there for four. 

In the hospital, the first night Mack was with us in our (hospital hotel stay) room, I had an emotional meltdown- we were told that we couldn't bring Mack back to the NICU room (our room was on level 3 and the NICU is on level 2), so we had to split duty on the babies. I stayed with Mack in our room while AJ hustled back and forth to be with Dean. The first time we were apart during eating time, I tried SNS with Mack. Trying to do that solo was near impossible... he was crying, I was trying, and I just felt so sad that I couldn't feed him on my own. I called AJ to have him come back from the NICU to help me, and so he came. He put the milk in a bottle and fed Mack while I cried and cried. oh, hormones... After an hour I was fine. 

The hardest part about the whole NICU/hotel stay room situation was that I didn't see Dean very much for the rest of the time he was in the NICU. On the last day that we were in the hospital, one of the hospital family services personnel ladies caught wind of our difficult situation and was pretty upset that we had been told that we couldn't bring Mack back to the NICU with us. Apparently hospital policy is that we could bring Mack back and forth as long as we used the back elevator. Our nurse must have missed that policy!! She promised us that she would hold a training to make sure that stressful situation didn't happen to another family. I am grateful that other parents won't have to go through that.

Anyways- on Friday, after 4 days in the hospital, we got to go home as a family! It was a very sweet moment as I walked past my favorite nurses and exchanged smiles and waves. I love being home and I LOVE that both boys are growing well... bring on the chub!! 

Dean and Mack

Leaving the hospital! 

Dean and Mack in their crib on their first night at home c: 

So Grateful for Week 32!

- AJ came back from Seattle!!! He surprised me a day earlier than I expected him home. It was the best surprise because I missed him a lot. A lot a lot. And I love having him home! 

- Our really good friend Danielle Woodall did maternity pictures for us!! On our drive to SLC, AJ and I had fun dancing in the car to some of my favorite songs from high school. The In'n'Out guy saw us dancing in the car and must have had a good laugh c: I am so excited to see how the pictures turned out- Danielle is super talented and the fall colors in the canyon were gooooorgeous.

- I shaved my legs! At this stage it was a pretty big undertaking, and I'm pretty vocal about how much I hate shaving my legs. But I did it because my mom found a shaving cream created for people with super sensitive skin. I figured I would try it out. I was still itchy and uncomfortable and taking Benedryl for the next few days, but hey I gave it a shot c:

- Going along with ^, I found out this week that the iron supplement that I have been taking has lactose in it! Sneaky dogs! Since I stopped taking the iron supplement, I have been feeling less itchy and irritable- so maybe that played into how miserable of an experience shaving was?

- At my 32 week appointment, the babies weighed in at right around 4lbs each!!! Grow babies, grow!  I also measured at 40 weeks- the women in my ward still say, "you don't look big enough to be having twins!" but I sure feel big enough! 

- I got all dolled up for Sunday! I curled my hair and wore earrings! I also wore the cute new shirt my mom got for me! Mom figured I needed a few cute things to wear these last few weeks. Not only do I loooove the color of this shirt, it is also super soft and cozy. Thanks mom! 

Do you see how long the shirt is? I love shirts that cover my belly, no question. 

- We got to spend some time with AJs sister, Mary, and her husband, Daniel! They live in Layton- so not too far- but we don't get to see them as much as we would like to. It was fun to chat for a little while and hear about their lives. 

- We finished canning the peaches!!! Thank goodness. Between my mom and I (mom recovering from surgery and me being super pregnant) it took way longer than expected. But dad helped early in the week and on Friday, Val came over to help, too! Val was a total lifesaver in the canning process- without her we would have failed massively. 

- My dad ran and completed the WASATCH 100 MILE ULTRA-MARATHON!! He finished in 27 hours 37 minutes and took 59 th place out of 320 runners! I am amazed that my dad can do what he does- I mean he is almost 50 years old and recovered from an ACL surgery just 6 years ago!! That man can do anything. 

Dad is the goofy looking one in the glasses- c: My "Uncle" Vernon was dad's pacer for the last 25 miles. They sure had fun together! 

- My family has been a HUGE help in getting our room set up for the babies to come! My mom has really been the genius mastermind behind it all- getting the dresser painted grey (so cute), cleaning out the closets so we have room for our clothes, and clearing out space in her office so AJ has a work space and a place for the baby stuff. AJ and dad have also been invaluable because of their energy, muscles, and willingness to help. We really have been blessed!! 

- I washed the first load of baby clothes/blankets/etc. It was so fun to go through the clothes and I am really looking forward to getting everything put away today! I am having so much fun getting ready for these boys! 

...

I know I've been nervous and anxious and flat out terrified about having twins. But the closer I get to the babies coming, the calmer I become! I am the type of girl to get stressed out over all the little details. I need everything to be planned and perfectly figured out before I can relax and enjoy the ride. It's what made me a really good event planner at BYU. I am the girl that made an itinerary for our wedding (personalized for each family member) specifying all the teeny tiny details. I am the girl who the day after Christmas 2013 started planning what our Christmas plans are for this year.

Since June, this girl has gone on a whirlwind of a roller coaster stressing out about all the unkown factors involved in our unique twin circumstance. The packing and moving. Work and housing situations. Becoming a mom and entering this new phase of life. And don't forget about terrifying bed rest. c: All of these things at the time seemed so overwhelming. 

Looking back I've realized that I've gained so much in the past few months! I've started to gain an understanding of what it means to put my trust in God and go with the flow. Without this experience, I would still be the same stressed out, wound up girlie. But now I'm learning that it's okay if I don't know exactly what is happening for Christmas... Or next summer.... Or a year from now. Heck- I don't even know exactly what will be happening next week and I've come to be okay with that! 

My knowledge that God knows best has solidified. My ability to trust in Him has developed. He knew that our babies would be the best way to teach me a lesson, and He was right. I am so grateful for Heavenly Father and His path for us. That is the biggest blessing of them all! 

Love, 

Grace

My Twin Baby Bump

I am 30 weeks pregnant... but my baby bump measures at 37 weeks!

Since I have nothing to compare this pregnancy to- I've been thinking a lot about how different this pregnancy is than future pregnancies will be!

Here are few things I have noticed so far:

I haven't been able to see my feet for weeks.
I don't know when it is normal to stop seeing your feet... but keep in mind I stopped being able to see them around 23 weeks!

I mean... I guess I can see them if I bend over far enough c:

My feet/ankles are swollen all. the. time.
When AJ and I flew to Japan, my feet swelled up like balloons! It was painful and I could barely put my shoes on!
This has become my norm. Every day I cycle through putting my sandals on in the morning, hoping and praying that they will still fit! When I take off my shoes later, I have the braided rope pattern imprinted on my poor little (or I guess not so little) feet.
AJ has been lovingly rubbing my feet for weeks and weeks helping the swelling to go down. Now-a-days compression socks hardly do the trick! The best way I've found is to keep my feet elevated (especially while I sleep).

I am always hungry.
The other week AJ and I were at Noodles & Co. with AJs mom. I ordered Pad Thai with pork and it was deeeeelicious!
After scarfing down the dinner, we chatted for about 30 minutes and decided it was time to get going. We were going to run an errand or two before we got home. I felt embarrassed (but got over it quickly because of how hungry I knew I would be soon) and I mentioned that I was going to be hungry again before we finished our errands. I ordered a second Pad Thai- this time with shrimp! I took it to go and about 45 minutes later I scarfed it down, too!

Sleeping is uncomfortable.... and it has been for a while.
I was on Facebook about a month ago and saw that my friend had posted a picture of her adorable baby bump at 31 weeks. She had to hold her shirt down in order for the bump to be really accented. The caption read something like, "31 weeks! Sleeping is starting to become a pain- I can never find a comfy position!"
I chuckled.
I was 26 weeks and I had already been dealing with the big bump discomfort for weeks!! Sleeping soundly is a thing of the past- replaced with bathroom breaks and waking up with a sore back/neck. I guess I am being prepared for when these boys come and keep me up at night c:

Every week more clothes don't fit.
When my friend Erika was pregnant, she didn't start wearing maternity clothes for a while. Towards the end of her pregnancy she wore the maternity clothes- so I was thinking the same thing would happen to me.
Around 12-13 weeks in, I no longer fit into my pants. My mom and I had gone shopping for maternity pants around 10 weeks (when I first told her I was pregnant). I was SURE that the clothes would sit on my shelf for months before I had to start wearing them. lies.
I remember the first time I wore maternity pants- they felt amazing! I couldn't believe I had kept squeezing into my pre-pregnancy pants because the stretchy ones felt soooo good. I could breathe and move and dance if I wanted to!
I also remember waiting to wear some maternity clothes for so long that once I did put them on they didn't even fit! we had a good laugh at that one. One of my favorite maternity skirts I never got to wear. It makes me look forward to wearing it during my next pregnancy though c:
I boxed away my non-maternity clothes one at a time as they stopped fitting. First the pants and skirts, then the shirts, then the dresses (length is an issue- even if the dress is super flowy... it no longer goes to my knees!!). Now I am having to do the same process with my maternity clothes. Each week I pack one or two more things (pants a few weeks ago and shirts mostly these days) that no longer fit or cover up my bump. I am only 30 weeks along and my wardrobe is becoming scarce!

I already do the preggo-waddle.
A guy in the office next door to me said, "You're walking pretty gingerly these days." That was at 24 weeks and its only gotten worse.

Occasionally I don't fit places/do normal things.
On Sunday I tried to go into a bathroom stall at church that was too small-- I couldn't get in and close the door around my pregnant belly! I had to use another stall!
Two weeks ago, AJ and I got into the car. I reached my arm to close the door and couldn't reach! I was stuck in my chair and couldn't get enough momentum to propel me close enough to the door to close it either. AJ had to come around and close it for me!
I can no longer bend over in the car to "pop the trunk" open. AJ has to come around to the window and do it.
There is a bed at my mom and dad's house that I have deemed the dippy bed. This bed has a dip in the middle of the mattress and if you lay on the edge of the bed you sort of roll into the dip. Anyways- I can no longer sleep on the dippy bed because once I get into the dippy bed I cannot get out. I roll into the middle (stopped by my belly) and due to the angle cannot roll back over to get out. This becomes an inconvenience when I have to pee in the middle of the night and have to wake AJ up to help me out of bed. its pretty funny, actually.
I was sitting at the dinner table one day and Kaylie and Dallas were about to sit down. I moved over a chair so they could sit next to each other... but when I tried to sit down in my new chair I couldn't fit between the wall and the table! We had to scoot the table out a foot so that I could fit in that chair c:


These are the sort of things that have been my twin pregnancy normal for weeks, but probably won't happen until towards the end of my singleton pregnancies. Since I have never been pregnant before- I don't have any real life experiences to gauge the differences.
In some ways this makes the inconveniences easier because I don't know any better. c:

And despite being uncomfortable... I wouldn't change a thing.

Meltdown #2: The Highs and the Lows of Week 26

Week 26 was a hard one for me. Physically I felt fine... healthy even... but emotionally it was rough. I began to notice that I was sinking into a general state of gloom on Monday- and I tried to pull myself out of it! I read the scriptures and prayed. I baked muffins and checked things off of my to-do list and did everything I could think of to un-gloom myself.

Everything except talk about it.

Unfortunately, I had allowed all this emotion to build up inside of me and on Thursday just unloaded it all on AJ. A waterfall of tears and incoherent "I don't know"s bombarded the sweet man after work. He just held me and let me cry.

And after days of gloom I realized what was wrong: my life is about to change.

I am beginning to realize that this is a common theme for me. I go through waves of total acceptance and total freak-out-stress-out about the fact that my life will never be the same. I felt this was when we were expecting just one baby. oh woe is me... my life will never be the same... I would think to myself as I wallowed in self pity. For some reason it was easier to pull myself out of that mode as I thought of my sister-in-law who was able to maintain an awesome normal life when she had baby Clara.

Then we found out about the twins. For a while the overarching stress of finances, living situation, health concerns, and two babies clouded any other concerns. But now that I am beginning to wrap my head around those initial concerns- other ones creep in and take their place. For example: my life is about to change.

Not in the, "I am going to be a tired mess for the first few months" kind of way. Not even in the, "I can't work with two babies" kind of way. I am realizing it is much less... and much more than that.

It all started with the grocery store.

Now-a-days I tire out so easily. My feet swell up to the size of balloons and it is painful to walk. Sometimes my feet even hurt when I am sitting down- they constantly feel like they are bruised! I try to elevate them as much as I can, but even if I sit normally for 15 minutes the swelling and pain return. what the heck?

Anyway. I needed to go to the grocery store last week and so I went. Thinking to myself that I am a strong and capable woman- I can do the grocery shopping by myself! Plus, I know the store like the back of my hand and have (in the past) completed the shopping errand in 20 minutes flat. AJ was out of town for work and so I went to the store. Unfortunately- I can't walk as fast as I would like.. so it took longer. My feet were already swollen... and so it hurt walking up and down the isles. My big belly is... big... so getting anything from the bottom shelf was a pain.

By the time I was in the check out line, I was SO DONE. The very kind manager must have seen the wearied look on my face and put all my groceries on the conveyer belt for me. Without that act of kindness, I probably would have cried.

But once I got home and crashed on the couch I started to feel gloomy. I started thinking about all of the other normal things that will no longer be normal or easy for me. Sure-- this painful stage of pregnancy won't last forever. But once I am back to my "normal" self we will have two babies that will make any semblance of normalcy difficult for a while.

I will no longer be able to make a quick run to the grocery store- without having to gear up and get out of the house with two babies.
I will no longer be able to- at 9pm- decide to run to AJs work party and hang out- without finding a babysitter or taking the boys with us.
We will no longer be able to go on a spontaneous date night and sit and talk for hours without any concern of where we need to be next.
I will no longer be able to go to the Temple on a moments notice when I feel the need for extra strength (this is even hard to do now because of how tired I get...).

Its these little, silly, normal parts of our every day life right now that I realized last week I will miss.

And I almost feel like I realized it too late.

If I had the vision of where I am at now a few months ago- I wouldn't have taken grocery shopping for granted! I would have taken every opportunity to go to the Temple and to make a dinner for someone in the ward. I would have gone on more spontaneous dates with AJ and we would have lived-up our summer more. I know that life will change. And after my freak-out-and-cry session last week I have come to terms with it.

Why? Because life won't be the same because we will have two babies. Two precious sons of Heavenly Father who will make our lives chaotic and wonderful. And yeah- I am going to miss my normal life... but I wouldn't miss out on the chance to become a momma just to be able to run to the store and grab bread whenever we need it.




Blessings of Week 26:::
- Realizing that my life will be better with two babies
- Spending time with AJ
- We made homemade biscuits and gravy!!! YUM!
- I also made blueberry muffins... they saved me during my period of late-night hunger!
- The baby shower in Provo was on Saturday. I was so blessed to spend time with friends and hear their advice and encouragement! Melissa did an amazing amazing amazing job planning the whole thing! Love that woman.
- Saturday I also got to spend time with my mom! We went shopping for baby stuff (by the last store I was wiped out and sat in a big comfy glider chair the whole time. AJ and momma had to bring the things over to me to look at/approve!!). I love my mom.
- My brother and sister-in-law recommended two books to us... and we were able to find BOTH at the library! It was a blessing to not have to wait for/buy the books.
- We had dinner with our friends Stephen and Stefani on Sunday night. It was so nice to spend time with them!!!!
- AJ traveled safely to and from NYC. He did give me a good scare when he wasn't where he said he would be when it was time to pick him up.... anyone who talked to me that night can attest: I was a mess! c:
- Novi completed their Kickstarter campaign and raised around $175,000!! Which is over twice the amount they had originally hoped to raise!
- My BFF Sammie's b-day happened. Love her.

Much love,
G

Week 24: Blessings from the milestone week!

I am feeling a whole heck of a lot of relief....

I am officially 24 weeks!! 

This is big news. The babies are now at a point of development that is considered safe. If the boys are born now, they will survive and have a better chance of being healthy!!!! 

Thank you bed rest.

Now my task is to keep these babies gestating for as loooong as possible. The longer they are in eutero, the chubbier and better developed they are at birth! 

I did some research the other day about babies being born at various levels of gestation and the time that they subsequently spend in the NICU. 

what was I thinking??? 

It totally freaked me out, while at the same time informing me so that I can be mentally prepared for the best... and the worst case scenarios. 

(These numbers are based on various readings of twin mom experiences and also medical websites)

Babies born at 30 weeks gestation spend approximately 8-10 weeks in the NICU. 

Babies born at 33 weeks gestation spend approximately 5-8 weeks in the NICU.

Babies born at 35 weeks gestation (the average gestation time for twins, btw) spend approximately 4-5 weeks in the NICU. 

Babies born at 37 weeks gestation spend approximately 0-2 weeks in the NICU.

*disclaimer- there are always other factors going into NICU time. Some of these numbers may not be your experience, and some women shared stories of big, healthy twins born at 34 weeks going home 5 days after birth. These stories were the exception most often.*

It was really good for me to put this in perspective. I used to think, "oh even if my babies are born early... They will go to the NICU but probably come home after just a few days or a week or something." Not so, sister! I am nervous now because... obviously... I don't want our babies to spend the first weeks/months of their lives in the NICU. However. it makes the reality of the benefits of resting and being healthy so much clearer.  I am so much more motivated to do all the things I am supposed to do- increasing the chances of their safety. 

Anyway: onto the blessings from week 24!!

- I was put on a lighter form of bed rest! Wahoo wahoo. I basically was told to listen to my body and follow that as a guide- without going back to the amount of activity I was doing before I was put on bed rest... So my limit is two(ish) activities a day. My problem is that I'm doing more around the house and doing more activities.... For example- today we went to church and had lunch with a friend (2 activities) but then we got home and I organized and made dinner, etc. So by the end of the day I am EXHAUSTED by doing so much. It was hard this week to navigate my physical activity with everything going on. This next week I am going to do a better job at resting more and not pushing myself to the limits again. 

- I was stopped at the store and told "you are such a cute pregnant lady!" by some random gal. I love her for that! 

- I was actually feeling up to getting dolled up today! 

I curled my hair and everything! 

- AJ and I took time to organize our room this weekend. We have been living out of random boxes and suitcases and it feels SO GOOD to have an organized space. 

- AJs mom came into town this week! We were able to spend some time with her and we sure had fun! She also got us the cutest baby clothes. The onesies say, " handsome like daddy" c: 

- we had delicious delicious food this week! 

- I was able to see Erika (one of my best friends- she and I roomed together for 3 years and she now lives in Montana... Sad life). She came to visit with her new baby! 

All in all... Life has been good this week! 

This is me week 22::

This is me week 24!!! Look at that bump grow! 

Another pic... This one is from today.

Much love,

G

PS::

Remember that time last year when AJ and I were in Japan? We had so few responsibilities, no money, and we were living the dream! I can't believe how far we have come in just one year! I love my man.

THIS IS NOT A HORROR STORY OF A WOMAN WHO WENT ON BED REST @ 22 WEEKS

THIS IS NOT A HORROR STORY OF A WOMAN WHO WENT ON BED REST @22 WEEKS. This is the story of what I've learned that has changed my entire perspective on this 'mom of multiples' thing. 

Here goes:

(( I'm feeling a little frustrated because I wrote like half of what I wanted to say- and then it got deleted.

But still it important so I will write it again. ))

So after writing about my meltdown- AJ and I thought for a few more days about what our living situation plan of action needed to be. AJ was very adamant about doing all we can to save up money for these boys-  once these babies come, who the heck knows how much they will actually cost! 

So we basically nixed finding our own place for now and decided to do a combination of moving to our friends basement for a while and then living up in Logan for a few months after these boys are born. Here is how it all should go down.

Step One: get all of our non-baby stuff into a storage unit... and move all baby stuff to my parents house. 

Step Two: move our bed and clothes to our friends basement-- we can stay there in Provo until the boys come (so that AJ doesn't have to commute to work and so I can keep working my jobs for as long as possible).

Step Three: once these babies decide it's time to say hello to the world... And once they are released from the hospital... We will move up to my parents house in Logan and live there for a couple months until we have a grip enough on things. 

Step Four: find an apartment in Provo and move into our own place! 

Yes- we know this means that we will be living out of suitcases for a few months.

Yes- we know that this means we will not have a place to call our own for a while. 

Yes- we know that our babies could come anywhere from August --> end of September and so the duration of this situation is totally and completely unknown!

and Yes- we know that people will call us crazy.

BUT: priority número uno is saving up money so that we can effectively take care of these boys! So in the end it is worth all the hassle. 

Here is the big clincher to our plan--

We need to be out of our apartment on June 30th so that we don't have to pay July rent. 

That doesn't seem like a problem- you've still got a while to get it all done! 

Haha- no we don't! 

We made the decision to go with this plan on Thursday, June 19th. 

On Monday, June 22nd AJ left for a work trip. 

On Wednesday, June 24th I had planned to come to my parents house for a fun family weekend!!! 

We both arrive back in Provo on Sunday, June 29th. 

That left us with Thursday night--> Sunday to get everything moved into the storage unit. And just a few sporadic days for me to get final cleaning and packing done. 

Ah! Ah! Ah! Did you forget that I'm also pregnant with twins and am not supposed to do any moving on my own? 

Well I did. 

Thursday night I started packing up clothes. I stayed up way too late and was trying to take it easy... But I failed.

Friday I worked all day and at night AJ and I packed up some more. I was so exhausted we had to call it quits early because I'm pretty sure my legs stopped working entirely. C:

Saturday our beloved friend Melissa (remember she threw us our gender reveal party) came to help me get everything packed up and the guys from Novi (AJs company) came and we got most everything to the storage unit! Later in the afternoon, our friends Janae and Todd came to help us with some more packing and moving. By this time I was completely and utterly useless. I felt horrible- but I couldn't even stand up without holding onto a wall. I had been up on my feet all day and running around stressing out about getting it all done- I did NOT effectively take care of myself.

Sunday we had early morning church and I got some visiting teaching done... and then we had dinner at my Aunts house. It was so yummy!! I ate all the leftover salmon.

Monday I put myself on a modified bed rest because I could tell that my body was being pushed to the limits and I cannot afford to go into labor at 22 weeks. And by modified bed rest...I mean that I still ran some errands and I still packed a lot when some wonderful friends (the Lithgoes and Woodwards) from our ward came for FHE to help me clean since AJ was gone. Another great friend Stephanie came by for a few hours and taked with me because I needed some TLC. 

I guess I just didn't know how to really take it easy. I kept telling myself that if I didn't slow down then something would go wrong... But then I would think of all the things that needed to be done and I got back out of bed and did some more work. MISTAKE.

Because now I am on DOCTOR ORDERED bed rest. 

Apparently when a prego lady with twins does something like decide to pack and move her entire life in one weekend- it stresses her body out so much that there are repercussions. 

I noticed the tiny amount of bleeding on Monday- but had previously been told that a little spotting is normal. So I tried not to freak out.

I went to work on Tuesday morning and was horrified when I started bleeding a lot. A lot a lot. Like "I'm freaking out right now and need to see my doctor immediately" kind of a lot. I got the first appointment of the day (THANK GOODNESS).

My doctor started the appointment by first calming my fears and letting me see both babies on ultrasound. "They are still healthy and their hearts are working great," he said. Bless his heart. Then we went on a journey to find out what was causing the bleeding. Apparently I have a pretty common genetic condition called cervix ectropion. It means that the sensitive tissue of the cervix is exposed- instead of being tucked away like it is supposed to be. Under stressful conditions, that sensitive tissue bleeds. He said that the condition isn't typically anything to worry about- unless you try to move your entire life in one weekend.

He also said that because the twins are only 22 weeks along- if I were to do anything else to cause stress to my body and the babies were born now- they wouldn't survive. He said, however, that in a couple of weeks they could survive. Which is why he put me on a pretty strict bed rest for the next 2 weeks. Then at my next appointment he can reassess and figure out if I need to continue on bed rest or if I have learned my lesson and won't do anything crazy to push my body to its limits again. "Our goal is to keep these babies inside of you for as long as possible," he said, "don't push it!" 

Now... Let's return to the fact that my whole life is packed away in a storage unit AND my husband is out of town. My timing has always been impeccable. So immediately after the appointment I drove up to my parents house (a day earlier than planned) and have been on bed rest here. I've been so blessed to have the support that I need. They are taking care of me SO WELL. There is a ton of yummy food to eat, a comfortable bed to rest in, and people to talk to. Also- no stairs! 

My momma gave my nearly 3 year old niece, Clara, charge over me. Every time she sees me standing up it is her job to say, "Grace- you need to sit down or lay down." Effectively putting me in my place! 

It has all been worth it. My body is no longer stressed out, and I feel healthy and happy again! It is amazing to me that soon after finding out about the twins I read one lady's story about how she was put on bed rest @ 22 weeks. The thought terrified me! I convinced myself that bed rest so early would be THE WORST THING IN THE WORLD. boy was I wrong. 

The worst thing in the world is fearing that you have lost your babies. The worst thing in the world would be my boys being born too early to survive. The worst thing in the world is something a lot of women have experienced- and I am so much more sympathetic and understanding.

I remember driving to my parents house on Tuesday and praying to God that I will do anything to keep these boys alive and incubating for as long as possible. If it means bed rest for the next couple of months... Bring it on. Healthy, chubby babies are worth it. 

Moms (and especially moms of multiples)... DON'T OVER EXERT YOURSELF. Listen to your doctor and listen to your body. If you feel tired, rest. If you crave protein, eat it... Shamelessly! If you notice anything abnormal contact your doctor right away and do as you are told. Your babies are worth it.