Last night I had my first meltdown.

I am not looking for pity.

This is simply an outlet for my feelings. I have had exactly one week of knowing about the boys... and I have read a lot of blogs and articles where I read a lot of facts-- but I wanted to know the emotions. I want to know if the things I am feeling are common and if the concerns we are working through are typical.
I think that's why I am going to write so much now. I will write my feelings, the products I like, the most helpful resources, etc.
I will write whatever comes to my pregnancy-brain... and hope that somehow it will help someone someday.

So let's begin:
Last night I had my first meltdown.

I say first because I am sure I will have more. Many, many, many more.

This meltdown regarded the need to move to a bigger house. Let me fill you in:

We live in a one bedroom basement apartment. It is so cute and cozy... and even though it is a basement, it has WINDOWS. Glorious windows. It gets cold in the winter, but we can deal (and by "deal" I mean that I complain all winter about how cold it is).

When we found out that we were having a baby, we thought about moving to a 2 bedroom apartment. We researched it for months and finally came to the conclusion that it made more financial sense to stay in our one bedroom apartment. Raising one baby in our apartment wasn't going to cause any problems. Babies don't take up that much space.

So we got all set: our financial plan was in order. We made smart decisions about summer work and started getting geared up for baby. We even had a plan to put money away into savings based on working this summer. I have a checklist-mind and I felt very calm and confident in my plan. All of the boxes were checked off nicely and I felt great.

But there is no way on earth that two babies are fitting into our apartment. We simply can't do it. We have looked and looked and have decided that it is a 'no way Jose' kind of thing. We simply HAVE to move.

So then we thought:
Where?
When?
2 bedrooms?
3 bedrooms?
Will we have to change wards?
Will we be by our friends?
Will we be able to find a place that doesn't kill our budget?
etc. etc. etc.

My brain went into mush mode. I have been so concerned this last week about it all (and not to mention the BILLION of other things on my mind). I have looked at our budget about a thousand times reworking situations to find the best one. We have a few options.
1) Move to Logan and live with my generous and helpful family.
2) Stay in Provo and live with an amazing couple who offered to house us.
3) Stay in Provo and find our own place.

These options are all good. There are pros and cons to each. Everyone has been telling me that we will need all the help that we can get... so #1 is the best option. But #1 means moving 2 1/2 hours away from AJs company and I don't want to be away from him all the time... so #2 or #3 make the most sense. #2 is awesome because it is in Provo and financially smart, but do I really want to infringe upon our friends generosity by keeping them up all night and have them renovate part of the downstairs? Also, when family comes to visit all the time, I wouldn't want our friends to regret having us live there... so #3 is the best option. But #3 is expensive and we need to be financially smart... so #1 is the best option.
see where this whirlpool of decisions and factors and pros/cons leads my mind? I go through this process about 10 times every. single. day.

AJ and I sat down two nights ago and looked at the financial burden of #3. We felt the need to go through our options for #3 so that we can be more knowledgeable about options #1 and #2. (We still haven't made any decisions...) We have killa awesome rent where we are at now, so everything else seems ridiculously expensive. Twice what we are currently paying for a 2 or 3 bedroom apartment in Provo. And after looking at the pros/cons of the 2 vs. the 3... 3 makes more sense. 3 bedrooms provides room for family/other help to come and stay, with a room for the babies so we are not kept up all night.

So 3 bedroom apartments in Provo with natural light (because I get depressed in dungeon-y basements and that + post partum depression does not sound like a good combination for my sanity) in an area close to our friends is what we are looking for.

We found a few to look at and really loved one of the apartments. We talked back and forth with the landlord and are still in the running... but late last night AJ and I reviewed finances and it will be tight. At least for a little while until AJs company picks up. And by "tight" I mean... not entirely sure how we would pay for the deposit + first months rent + the uncertainty of my current working situation (another post about that whole deal because it is a crazy story). Once August rolls around we feel pretty confident about financial stuffs... however- until then- who the heck knows.

[insert meltdown here]

I cried. I bawled so uncontrollably that I couldn't think straight. I was saying my prayer and I couldn't see the end. I couldn't see how everything would work out and I was freaking out. I remember saying, "Heavenly Father, I know I trust you and I know that everything will work out... but I can't see how and I don't know if I can do this." My brain doesn't like to not have a plan. And this lack of a plan is so overwhelming to me. SO overwhelming.

AJ heard me sobbing and offered me a priesthood blessing. what a wonderful man I have. In the blessing I was told to focus on Christ and all things would make sense in time. AJ finished and asked me what I learned and at first I did NOT feel comforted.

I felt like I was still in the same spot.
Mentally I knew that I trusted God. He has delivered me from my trials before and He has shown me that I can trust Him. Trust God: easy.
Emotionally I felt that I needed to see the next step and I needed to see it now. Actually acting with full faith: not easy.

I cried some more.... then I came to understand that by focusing on Christ I will gain an added measure of His spirit. And through that spirit, we will be guided to the right paths. And those right paths will be made clear to us as we live our lives in accordance to the gospel. I felt a lot of peace in this.

So... do we know what we are going to do exactly? No. But I am hoping that as I put my trust in Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, we will be led to the best things.

And it will work out.

(I just need to continually remind myself of that)