Learning and Growing.

I talked with some friends a while ago about how I don't feel like myself anymore now that I am a mom... I mentioned how I used to feel so fun and free and service-oriented, but now I feel 10 years older than I really am and tired before the day begins. I got a lot of positive and uplifting feedback about how being a momma to twins does that to you. They all said that I would feel more like myself in time. Even with their reassurances I still felt lost. Since then I have been reflecting a lot on my personality and how I have changed since becoming a mom. Basically, I have been trying to answer, "WHY do I not feel like myself anymore?"

I think I've come to a realization about a major part of my personality--- I have a constant battle between my need for structure and my need to be spontaneous and free-spirited.

I remember watching the movie Tangled for the first time. I was SO DRAWN to Rapunzel's zest for life and her adventurous spirit and the fact that she is a Disney princess with brown hair and green eyes that I literally felt like I was her. Especially the part of the movie when she comes out of the tower and she is running around experiencing everything for the first time and her song lyrics build up to a crescendo that is so telling of how her emotions are about ready to spill out of her body... and the part when she is dancing in the kingdom and her eyes are closed and she is spinning around and the world seems to multiply around her. I felt that in my heart. Sometimes I still do. I have this innate desire to love life and explore. This is deeply rooted in my core. I sometimes feel a yearning that tugs at my stomach and my heart and brings me to tears thinking about how I want to be this way (aka I am tearing up right now just writing about it). I love this side of me. It allows me to get out of my self, my worries and my routine, and helps me focus on others.

Another part of my personality is that I am incredibly structured and detail oriented... even if my house doesn't look like I am. I am really good at multi-tasking (which sometimes I think is the reason God gave us twins because it comes naturally for me to keep track of their lives). If you know me well, you know I like to have a plan and I am constantly making lists. Skin-care to try, books to read, chores to do, etc. I research purchases for hours before settling on the right one. And my mind somehow keeps track of it all. Another part of this structured side of me is that I think about the future and the consequences of my actions. Back to college I wanted to do a fun, spontaneous camping trip with my roommates... but I didn't because I was worried about spending too much money which would keep me from being able to fix my car if it broke down later that year. I literally thought about the possibility that MONTHS FROM NOW my car would break down and I couldn't bring myself to forget about it and go have fun.

This is something that I do. I have these deep yearnings for freedom, but almost always structure wins.  

This reflection has helped me realize that this struggle isn't new. What is new is that I have KIDS. And on the rare occasion in college that I would throw caution to the wind and fully embrace my adventurous side, I still didn't have kids... or any other true responsibilities keeping me from doing it.

So now I am realizing that having my kiddos and having all the added stress of going from zero kids to two kids and not knowing how to parent just one kid but now being expected to parent two isn't making me any less ME. It is just that I have more responsibilities that suppress that spontaneous, free spirited, I've always wanted to just wake up one morning and say "I'm going to Ireland today" side of me. I just need to figure out a way to tell myself it is okay to not be structured all the time. I think I suppressed that spontaneity so much in college- thinking I had all these hard and fast responsibilities- that now that I actually have children to keep alive I am realizing what I missed out on.

My personality has changed a little since becoming a mom of twins- I am not as obnoxiously outgoing as I was in high school, I am more of a yogi-lifestyle lover, and I do most of my shopping online to avoid the carseat(s) debacle. But before I did all this reflection I felt like I had lost major aspects of my nature. Which isn't true. This struggle has been a part of me for as long as I can remember- and I am sure it will take years more to figure out. I am not saying that I won't ever be spontaneous now that I have kids. Just this spring my best friend convinced me to indulge and go on a quick camping trip... and we brought the kids. It was lovely. I want to show them the two sides of me and let them know its okay to let loose and have fun and forget about responsibilities every now and again. But I want them to understand that we all need structure, too. Its a balance. And I am still figuring it out.

much love, G

Mack and Dean... the Birth Story

I was inspired the other day by a friend's birth story blog post to finally write mine! I don't know why I didn't do it earlier... it's been 6 months... I have it all in my journal, but I never transposed it into the blog. Actually, its probably because I don't have much time on my hands anymore! c: 

I was at the OBGYN for my 36 Week Appointment and due to high blood pressure and other reasons, he told me that the best option was to be induced early that next week. I agreed and spent the next few days stressing about being induced. I had heard that being on Pitocin was incredibly painful... and I also felt very strange about missing out on that TV-labor-and-delivery-scene experience. You know, being wheeled into the hospital while screaming in pain looking like a crazy person! I definitely didn't want to miss out on that! The idea of walking up to the registration desk and saying, "I am here to be induced" so nonchalantly gave me the creeps. I know, I know... I am weird! 

Due to my strange and scared notions about being induced, I decided to try to have the babies come naturally over that weekend. So I walked around a little (really I am not sure it can even count as 'walking around' because of how hard it was... it was more like I shuffled around a little), tried primrose oil on Friday, and on Sunday night I tried castor oil as my last-ditch attempt at inducing natural labor. No such luck!

On Monday September 29th, 2014, I woke up and got dressed. I knew I wasn't supposed to eat a lot before I went in, but Dr. K told me to eat something! So AJ and I went to Kneader's and got muffin tops and smoothies.

    

delish!

In hindsight, I wish I had eaten more. c:

When we arrived at the hospital I was whisked into a L&D room and they began to hook me up to machines in order to track the babies' heartbeats. Baby A's heartbeat was normal, but Baby B's heart rate was unusually high. High enough to cause the nurses to be concerned. They threw around the scenario that if his heart rate didn't slow down in an hour then they would need to life-flight us to another hospital. 

Lots of prayers were said... and honestly I felt such a peace flow through me that I knew that we would all be okay regardless of what happened. Thankfully, his little heart rate lowered and we got to stay in Logan.

At 10:30am I was started on Pitocin, and it took me until 4pm to dilate to 4cm. During those 5ish hours I didn't have any kind of pain medication and honestly it wasn't that bad. I had a great team of people who helped me go through the stages of labor. 

My team consisted of:

- AJ. of course. This man wins a prize!! He rubbed my back and helped me breathe and held me up when I could barely stand. He encouraged me and supported me and didn't make any weird faces at all the nasty things that occur during labor. I love him.

- Mom. this woman amazes me! She kept me comfortable and gave me advice and made sure that I had everything that I needed. She was my advocate with the nurses and is wiser than I even knew before. 

- Bri French. doula. How do I accurately describe my relationship with Bri? Let's see... she is like my twin from another family. Our personalities are very similar and I feel completely comfortable around her. Her family is my family. Despite all of this, when my mom recommended that Bri attend the birth, I was against the idea. I was anxious already about the unknowns of labor and I didn't want to it to be weird for Bri and my relationship. However, I thought about it more and as the delivery date approached I realized how beneficial it would be for me to have a midwife/labor coach there to help keep me informed... especially someone that I admire and trust so much. Best decision ever. She was perfect! Bri helped the first stage of labor feel fine. The contractions ebbed and flowed, but I was able to manage the pain with her instruction. I am forever grateful for her role in my life. 

- Kasi French. errand runner. Kasi's personality is different from her sister's, for sure! She doesn't enjoy the birthing process and so she was the official family errand-runner and food-getter. She made sure that everyone was comfortable and she brought a humor to the room, which was absolutely appreciated. 

- Val. my sister. She really rose up to the occasion! I was a little nervous about how she would handle the whole process, but she was awesome. All of her shielding-of-the-eyes and voicing her discomfort brought a sense of lightness with her. It helped take my mind off of everything. 

- Dad. Oh my goodness. My dad was so uncomfortable with the whole situation. Most of the time he hung out in the lobby, which I didn't mind! He really hated seeing me in pain, but when I really needed him, he was there. He kept reminding me that I was in charge of what happened.

- Emma. my sister. Emma was in and out due to school and work... but I am so happy that she was able to come!! She was so excited about everything, finally being able to meet the twins. She helped me feel that same excitement and it took over the nerves. 

- Ryan. He pretty much hung out in the lobby... I mean I don't blame him!! But he was there for moral support and to meet the twins and it was so nice for him to be there! 

That's a pretty big L&D team... i know. And to be completely honest, I never thought I would feel comfortable having my family (Bri and Kasi included) traipsing around while I delivered babies. But  it actually turned out to be awesome. awesome awesome awesome! Having all those people I love surrounding me turned the whole experience into one big party! We were singing along to music, we watched Jim Gaffigan YouTube videos, ate popsicles, and just talked about life. It was so fun! 

 The glorious Bri French massaging my sore back! 

At one point I was so cold I had them put like 9 blankets on me... 

and I was still shivering!!!!! 

I never thought I would describe labor as fun... but it was! 

Since I had the desire to try natural labor, and the first 4cm weren't too bad pain-wise, I was thinking that I could do it. Bri was really encouraging and I felt confident. Then somewhere around 4cm dilated- I started to really feel the pain! I think a huge part of it was that I was exhausted (I didn't sleep well Sunday night). At this point I pulled AJ aside and we decided that it was time for the epidural. 

best. decision. ever. 

The anesthesiologist came in and I covered my eyes. I didn't want to see any of the needles or tools he was using for the epidural. Ignorance is bliss in these situations. To be honest, I barely felt it go in... and pretty soon afterwards was able to relax enough I got to take a short nap! bless you, epidural. 

45 minutes after I got the epidural, my nurse came in to check on how labor was progressing. I had dilated to 9cm and was 100% effaced! In 45 minutes I went from 4cm-9cm... and I didn't feel a thing! it was glorious. It took me another hour to dilate to 10cm and at that time the epidural began to wear off. The pain wasn't too bad, so I didn't re-administer the pain medication... but boy did I regret that decision once it came time to push. I pushed for about an hour and I just was feeling stressed about the pain. Also knowing that I could be pushing for another who knows how long factored into the equation. I remember my dad was propping up my back, and I was telling him how badly it was hurting. He looked at me and said, "Grace, you can do this without using more pain medication, but it is your choice. If you want more medication... don't wait on it." Smart man! I had the doctor give me more... and it definitely helped. Unfortunately I had waited too long and the epidural took a long time to kick in- so I felt a lot of the pain and pressure during delivery.

With the potential risks of a twin delivery, they decided to move me into the OR as a precaution. The nurse told me I could pick two people to come with me. My mom wasn't feeling well at all, so AJ and Bri got all decked out in their scrubs and came with me. It was strange being wheeled into the sterile OR room-- there was a metal table that the nurse wanted me to get on for delivery but I begged (I would have gotten on my knees if I could have) and they let me stay in my comfy hospital bed! 

The actual delivery part was such a blur. I just remember little snippets: Dr. K asking me if I wanted to touch Baby A's head as he was coming out. uuuuuuh uuuuuuuh no thanks! The pain/pressure of pushing until the epidural kicked back in. yikes. 

Then all of a sudden Baby A was in my arms. I always shuddered at the thought of having a shall we say... slimy... newborn in my arms. But it was the best feeling ever! He came out crying and cute. When the nurses took him away, my eyes followed him around the room. Dr. K told me that I had to wait a few minutes before pushing for Baby B to come out... follow the natural flow of the contractions... so we waited. It didn't take very long, around 5 or so minutes, for me to feel it again and before I knew it we were headed for round 2! 

As I tried to push, someone announced Baby A's weight: 6lbs 11oz. I was thinking about how big he was and how grateful I was that I didn't even realize Dr. K was using a vacuum (aka weird plunger type thing) to try to get Baby B out. When the vacuum popped off of Baby B's head and smacked my insides (yeah... NOT PLEASANT) I jumped a little bit and yelped! Dr. K looked at me fiercely and told me to focus- I still had one baby who needed to come out safe and sound. His heart rate had begun climbing so I knew I needed to get him out before an emergency C-section was needed. 

And so I pushed. 

One strong push was really all it took and all of a sudden a 5lb 4oz Baby B was in my arms. My first thought was, "he isn't crying. please cry. please, Heavenly Father let his lungs be strong and cry!!" Half a second later he was crying and I was crying and then I laughed to myself because I never thought I would pray for my babies to cry! 

Dr. K was kind of cracking me up because he kept asking if I wanted to know what was going on down there with all the last stage of labor/afterbirth stuff. I kept trying to act interested because it is good to know these things... but I was getting so grossed out! Due to his education I do know these things: I tore very little because, even though I gave birth twice, their heads were smaller than full-term babies; the placenta weighs quite a bit (and it looks super weird); and the nurses give you a little massage on your limbs to... actually I forgot why they do this, but hey, I got a massage! 

Baby B, the proud father, and Baby A... My 3 wonderful men!! 

At this point I was given two little bundles and was told to hold them while they wheeled me back to our room to meet the family. I held them in awe that I had given birth to this... newness. I couldn't decide who to look at... so my eyes kept shifting from one baby to the other. After the family met and cuddled my little loves, I tried to nurse them. I had read that it is a natural instinct for babies and I figured they would just latch on right away and be amazing... but it wasn't like that... and unfortunately we didn't have time to figure it all out because they had to go to the NICU for a 3-hour observation. Every preemie does. So I watched them be taken away and thought that maybe I would get some sleep. 

NOT! The time right after you deliver is something I don't think anyone truly prepared me for. The nurses come and check on you every few minutes with medications, ice packs, and fundus checks. i hate fundus checks. hate. hate. hate!!! I know they are important, but let me just say it was very painful... I will probably write more about it in another post. I'm that passionate about it! 

After the 3-hour observation, a nurse came to inform me that both of my little guys passed everything apart from their glucose tests. Their numbers were very low and this meant that they needed to stay in the NICU until their little bodies regulated glucose appropriately. As sad as we were, it was really late (or early in the morning) so we decided to rest and visit the boys in the morning. That was one of the best decisions ever because I was able to focus on healing. AJ actually let me sleep in and he took the NICU shift until I woke up. i love that man. 

It took a couple days of us going back and forth from the NICU to decide on both of their names. The first time I walked into the NICU, I just knew that Baby B was Dean David Hamner. He just looked like a Dean to me. 

Deciding on Baby A's name took longer. We kept going back and forth between Hugh and McKay (nickname Mack) and had actually settled on Hugh. Then we just felt very strongly that his name was not Hugh and we needed to take some more time to think about it. After a little discussion we realized that we didn't want to name him McKay if he would always have to say, "but I go by Mack." So we decided to just name him Mack Austin Hamner! It really is the perfect name for him. 

All in all- I labored less than 12 hours, had around 12lbs of baby inside of me at time of delivery, and at one point I think I had 12 people in my L&D room!! And as a result I got two beautiful, silly, happy, healthy, smiley sons. I would do it all over again c:

 Dean and Mack @ 1 week

Baby Dean Update #2

Ladies and gents... Dean is officially cord free! He no longer needs the oxygen and he is doing really well without it! 

He has gotten stronger the past week- despite his sickness and all that it entailed! He is starting to roll over... Mack hasn't even tried to do so yet. Mack is such an easy going little man. 

I set Dean down in his car seat so he could take a nap yesterday. He was still coughing a lot so we wanted his head elevated. Anyways, after about an hour I went over and saw him like this::

Hehehe c:

I just can't get over how adorable this is! I know that mobile babies are stressful... But I'm just thinking about all the fun things associated with it! 

Other happy things: 

- Mack and Dean are starting to notice one another! 3.5 months and it's happening! I had them laying next to each other and they turned their heads and locked eyes... Dean didn't turn away for nearly 5 minutes!! 

- It is likely that we found an apartment in Provo!! We can now start the process of returning to "normal" life. However, I've never attempted to live "normally" with twins and so I'm anxious about leaving family! My parents have been so kind to let us live here and take over their house! We really have been blessed.

Much love,

G

Baby Dean Update

Sweet little man was in the hospital for 3 days. He is home now... still on oxygen... but he is home! Being in the hospital with my baby was hard, but I had no idea how hard it would be as a mom of twins...

let me explain. 

Momma, Emma, and Ashley Anne were taking incredible care of Mack at home and I knew he was in great hands... but I missed him so much. I had never been away from either baby for longer than just a few hours- you know for date night or temple night, etc. I was so wrapped up with all the medical stuff and worrying about baby Dean that I didn't really have time to think about Mack for a long while. It wasn't until I had some downtime in the evening that I realized how sad I was to be away from him. I missed his big droopy cheeks and big eyes.

But then, when I was able to go home the next afternoon, I desperately missed Dean! I picked up this adorable little turtle bath toy and for some reason it reminded me of Dean and I started crying! 

It was pathetic to say the least.

I just felt bad that I was at home playing and resting while the little man was still roughing it in the hospital! I couldn't wait to get back and give him some comfort and help him feel loved. I know babies don't have the whole object permanence thing down... but can they tell when they are alone? I mean, there were nurses everywhere who fed him while AJ and I slept at home Friday night... but did he feel lonely and miss his family? I felt absolutely horrible knowing that my baby was in the hospital, potentially in pain from the IV or some other procedure, and I wasn't there to sing to him or hold his hand or anything! I felt like a lousy mama that night. 

On Saturday, we left Mack with my Dad and both went to the hospital. Dr. Brown told us that Dean would be discharged later that night, though he would still need oxygen for a couple of days at home. It was hugely relieving to know that my whole family would be under the same roof and I could take care of both of my babies! Mack has been so sweet through it all- he has been so smiley and easy going for the past couple of days! It is almost like he knows Dean is sick and he wants to do whatever he can to make our lives easier. Dean is doing well- his coloring is back to normal and his appetite is getting back to where it normally is.

We are still keeping the boys separate until Dean is cleared from the doctor. I can't wait to let them play again and see how they react to each other after almost a week of being apart!! one of the perks of having twins c: 

love,
G

Motherhood Is Not For the Faint of Heart

What am I doing here- binge watching Gilmore Girls in a pediatric hospital room listening to baby Dean breathe?

Man, this RSV stuff sucks. 

He has been sick for a few days and we were managing it. Humidifier. Snot sucking. Sitting in the steamy bathroom. Snot sucking. Taking him outside to breathe in the cold air. Repeat. 

Mack had been sick the week before but the doctor said it was a mild case of croup and we shouldn't worry. So naturally I assumed that's what Dean had when he started showing symptoms. 

Then yesterday morning his breaths were so shallow that I just knew I needed to take him to the doctor. We drove to the urgent care and I pulled him out of the car seat. 

Oh my gosh, did I accidentally brings Mack?

No, no, I brought Dean. Whoo! The next thing I know we are called back to the office. Mental note to self: the wait time is significantly reduced when an infant is involved. 

The doctor did his thing and ordered some tests: RSV, flu, pneumonia. Tested positive for RSV, negative for flu, x-Ray showed pneumonia in his right lung. BTW-- Baby x-Rays are no fun. He was basically stuck in a tube with his arms above his head to keep him from moving during the procedure. I could live a hundred more years and be perfectly content never having to watch my baby go through that again. 

So with that wonderful diagnosis we set on a day's journey of going back and forth to the hospital's ROC (respiratory outpatient care) center. 3 times in less than 24 hours. Each time his stats were lower until this morning the doctor said his stats were too low to send him home. Thus Dean was admitted to the hospital. 

It's been a miserable two days on my end. I see my sweet baby suctioned out and strapped in and prodded. His eyes are red and he is so sleepy but barely gets any rest. He is hungry, I can tell, but can't breathe which keeps him from eating even a decent amount of food. So he is cat napping and snacking in a vicious 20-30 minute cycle. My headaches have been rampant (better now thanks to modern medicine) and I miss my husband (who is out of town on business until tomorrow). 

Rough rough day. Motherhood is not for the faint of heart. 

I am so grateful for my mom, Emma, and Ashley Anne for taking care of Mack. I am grateful for the doctors and nurses who are taking such good care of Dean. I am grateful that Mack isn't in the hospital. I am grateful that baby Dean is being such a trooper. 

I just can't wait for him to get better. I can't wait for AJ to get home. And I've decided that once this whole experience is over- I am going to the spa. 

Much love,

G

The Chronicles of the NICU

10/21/2014

These past few weeks have been some of the most mentally, physically, and emotionally draining weeks I've had in a long while. They have also been the most joyful, fulfilling, and inspiring weeks of my entire life.

Our babies are now three weeks old! We had their second check up with the pediatrician last Wednesday and we learned that Dean is 6oz heavier than birth weight! Dr. B said he was a champion! We struggled in the NICU trying to get Dean to eat- due to the crazy strict schedule down there and the fact that the babes had to have glucose tests done before and after they ate, they were on an eating schedule of every 3 hours. Mack caught on to this schedule pretty quickly.... but Dean struggled. We tried nursing, SNS, and bottle feeding... and nothing was working all that well. With the bottle we were only able to get him to eat 10-15 (mayyyyybe 20) ml. Even with the IV, his glucose levels kept going up and down- toying with our emotions! 

For three mornings in a row the nurses would talk about how they thought Dean would be discharged that day. I would always get my hopes up and then feel a major let down when later they would tell me how his glucose had dropped into the low 30s again (the goal was to get his glucose stable at least @ 50). It is really hard to emotionally connect to a little tiny, fragile thing hooked up to IVs and machines. Cords running everywhere- I was always afraid I would pull something out! 

Both babies had this type of set-up... They got to share a twin room!

Honestly, the best thing I did to connect to little Dean was to do skin-to-skin. About halfway through day 2 of NICU, I asked his nurse if that would be allowed. It felt kind of weird with the wires running all over me, but we cuddled and I sang and he slept like a log. It really was a turning point for us- he started eating better and his levels became more consistent. It's not like he instantly jumped into the 50s range and was released from the NICU... But he began improving and was released just a day and a half later!  

Mack was easier to connect with. I think a huge part of it was the fact that he was born a pound and a half bigger than Dean. Even though he had the NICU wires, too, he was less fragile-looking and felt more solid in my arms. He also caught onto SNS pretty well, which allowed me to bond via nursing. SNS stands for supplemented nursing system- there is a syringe filled with milk and a long skinny tube that you place on your chest which allows the baby to "nurse" even though his muscles aren't really strong yet. You push the milk into the baby's mouth and he eats! Vualah! Since Mack was such a good eater, he was discharged from the NICU after two days- whereas Dean was there for four. 

In the hospital, the first night Mack was with us in our (hospital hotel stay) room, I had an emotional meltdown- we were told that we couldn't bring Mack back to the NICU room (our room was on level 3 and the NICU is on level 2), so we had to split duty on the babies. I stayed with Mack in our room while AJ hustled back and forth to be with Dean. The first time we were apart during eating time, I tried SNS with Mack. Trying to do that solo was near impossible... he was crying, I was trying, and I just felt so sad that I couldn't feed him on my own. I called AJ to have him come back from the NICU to help me, and so he came. He put the milk in a bottle and fed Mack while I cried and cried. oh, hormones... After an hour I was fine. 

The hardest part about the whole NICU/hotel stay room situation was that I didn't see Dean very much for the rest of the time he was in the NICU. On the last day that we were in the hospital, one of the hospital family services personnel ladies caught wind of our difficult situation and was pretty upset that we had been told that we couldn't bring Mack back to the NICU with us. Apparently hospital policy is that we could bring Mack back and forth as long as we used the back elevator. Our nurse must have missed that policy!! She promised us that she would hold a training to make sure that stressful situation didn't happen to another family. I am grateful that other parents won't have to go through that.

Anyways- on Friday, after 4 days in the hospital, we got to go home as a family! It was a very sweet moment as I walked past my favorite nurses and exchanged smiles and waves. I love being home and I LOVE that both boys are growing well... bring on the chub!! 

Dean and Mack

Leaving the hospital! 

Dean and Mack in their crib on their first night at home c: 

I Was Peed on Today

I was peed on today- something I have been planning for since the 20 week ultrasound gender reveal that told us we were having twin boys. 

I'm gonna get peed on so much! Was one of my first reactions: combine the cliche that baby boys pee a lot on their parents and then times that by two... I knew we were in for it! 

So I've been taking precautions. I get everything ready for the diaper change before I open it up. I unravel the new diaper, pull out the diaper cream, and get wipes out and ready. So far I've had great success! Two weeks in the clear- until about an hour ago. 

He peed on me that little silly boy! I hesitated for just one second before wrapping up the new diaper and he took advantage of my delay. C: 

I always figured I would get frustrated when it happened, but I wasn't! In fact I thought it was down right comical- I chuckled and said too bad I don't have a jellyfish sting! 

(Yes, I have been stung by a jellyfish and yes, there was pee involved to help the healing process before medicine was purchased.)

But I learned something today from this experience. I can be that mom. You know, the one who doesn't freak out if there's a mess in the kitchen. Or who will take her kids out in the rain to splash the puddles without worrying about how much laundry she'll have to do later.

The one who doesn't get mad when the her son pees all over her. 

I know there will be times when I am frustrated. I know there will be times when I need to discipline for messes and not following the general rules of cleanliness... But it feels good to know I can stay calm even through groggy eyes and a groggy mind.

Seriously:: they are too cute to get mad at! Maybe I just shot myself in the foot for the terrible twos times two! We will see.

Love, 

G