Meltdown #2: The Highs and the Lows of Week 26

Week 26 was a hard one for me. Physically I felt fine... healthy even... but emotionally it was rough. I began to notice that I was sinking into a general state of gloom on Monday- and I tried to pull myself out of it! I read the scriptures and prayed. I baked muffins and checked things off of my to-do list and did everything I could think of to un-gloom myself.

Everything except talk about it.

Unfortunately, I had allowed all this emotion to build up inside of me and on Thursday just unloaded it all on AJ. A waterfall of tears and incoherent "I don't know"s bombarded the sweet man after work. He just held me and let me cry.

And after days of gloom I realized what was wrong: my life is about to change.

I am beginning to realize that this is a common theme for me. I go through waves of total acceptance and total freak-out-stress-out about the fact that my life will never be the same. I felt this was when we were expecting just one baby. oh woe is me... my life will never be the same... I would think to myself as I wallowed in self pity. For some reason it was easier to pull myself out of that mode as I thought of my sister-in-law who was able to maintain an awesome normal life when she had baby Clara.

Then we found out about the twins. For a while the overarching stress of finances, living situation, health concerns, and two babies clouded any other concerns. But now that I am beginning to wrap my head around those initial concerns- other ones creep in and take their place. For example: my life is about to change.

Not in the, "I am going to be a tired mess for the first few months" kind of way. Not even in the, "I can't work with two babies" kind of way. I am realizing it is much less... and much more than that.

It all started with the grocery store.

Now-a-days I tire out so easily. My feet swell up to the size of balloons and it is painful to walk. Sometimes my feet even hurt when I am sitting down- they constantly feel like they are bruised! I try to elevate them as much as I can, but even if I sit normally for 15 minutes the swelling and pain return. what the heck?

Anyway. I needed to go to the grocery store last week and so I went. Thinking to myself that I am a strong and capable woman- I can do the grocery shopping by myself! Plus, I know the store like the back of my hand and have (in the past) completed the shopping errand in 20 minutes flat. AJ was out of town for work and so I went to the store. Unfortunately- I can't walk as fast as I would like.. so it took longer. My feet were already swollen... and so it hurt walking up and down the isles. My big belly is... big... so getting anything from the bottom shelf was a pain.

By the time I was in the check out line, I was SO DONE. The very kind manager must have seen the wearied look on my face and put all my groceries on the conveyer belt for me. Without that act of kindness, I probably would have cried.

But once I got home and crashed on the couch I started to feel gloomy. I started thinking about all of the other normal things that will no longer be normal or easy for me. Sure-- this painful stage of pregnancy won't last forever. But once I am back to my "normal" self we will have two babies that will make any semblance of normalcy difficult for a while.

I will no longer be able to make a quick run to the grocery store- without having to gear up and get out of the house with two babies.
I will no longer be able to- at 9pm- decide to run to AJs work party and hang out- without finding a babysitter or taking the boys with us.
We will no longer be able to go on a spontaneous date night and sit and talk for hours without any concern of where we need to be next.
I will no longer be able to go to the Temple on a moments notice when I feel the need for extra strength (this is even hard to do now because of how tired I get...).

Its these little, silly, normal parts of our every day life right now that I realized last week I will miss.

And I almost feel like I realized it too late.

If I had the vision of where I am at now a few months ago- I wouldn't have taken grocery shopping for granted! I would have taken every opportunity to go to the Temple and to make a dinner for someone in the ward. I would have gone on more spontaneous dates with AJ and we would have lived-up our summer more. I know that life will change. And after my freak-out-and-cry session last week I have come to terms with it.

Why? Because life won't be the same because we will have two babies. Two precious sons of Heavenly Father who will make our lives chaotic and wonderful. And yeah- I am going to miss my normal life... but I wouldn't miss out on the chance to become a momma just to be able to run to the store and grab bread whenever we need it.




Blessings of Week 26:::
- Realizing that my life will be better with two babies
- Spending time with AJ
- We made homemade biscuits and gravy!!! YUM!
- I also made blueberry muffins... they saved me during my period of late-night hunger!
- The baby shower in Provo was on Saturday. I was so blessed to spend time with friends and hear their advice and encouragement! Melissa did an amazing amazing amazing job planning the whole thing! Love that woman.
- Saturday I also got to spend time with my mom! We went shopping for baby stuff (by the last store I was wiped out and sat in a big comfy glider chair the whole time. AJ and momma had to bring the things over to me to look at/approve!!). I love my mom.
- My brother and sister-in-law recommended two books to us... and we were able to find BOTH at the library! It was a blessing to not have to wait for/buy the books.
- We had dinner with our friends Stephen and Stefani on Sunday night. It was so nice to spend time with them!!!!
- AJ traveled safely to and from NYC. He did give me a good scare when he wasn't where he said he would be when it was time to pick him up.... anyone who talked to me that night can attest: I was a mess! c:
- Novi completed their Kickstarter campaign and raised around $175,000!! Which is over twice the amount they had originally hoped to raise!
- My BFF Sammie's b-day happened. Love her.

Much love,
G

Happily Ever After Will Happen

It has been a stressful week: with a 12 page research paper, 18 hours of work, and 12 hours of babysitting my baby niece... not to mention all my classes and regular homework, a broken car, spending time with AJ, a test, an unnecessarily large hospital bill from forever ago, and the fact that I had to cancel multiple plans because I had no way to get to the activities. By Thursday I was pretty much wiped-out and I thought to myself... this seems all-too familiar. i made a goal to not get this busy again! what happened?

and then... it hit me.

Life happened. 
Some things happened that were beyond my control and I was asked to rise to the occasion to meet the needs of others.
Some things happened that I should have been able to control and I felt the pangs of procrastination and sloppy scheduling.
Some things happened that I could have never anticipated and I was forced to rely on other people for understanding and support.

This kind of stuff just... happens. And though it isn't as easy to handle as when everything runs like smooth butter, you learn just the same. If not more. thank goodness for stressful situations and untimely trials... because of them i am forced to excel at a higher learning curve.


anyways...


Now I am at my parent's home, sitting on their new couch, listening to the stillness of fast Sunday and 1:00 church combined. I've been awake for over an hour and haven't heard a single stir (other than someone getting up to go to the bathroom... only to go right back to sleep again). This weekend has been the perfect contrast to my worry-week; I have had a stress-free weekend in breathtakingly beautiful Logan.

Yesterday morning, I picked-up Ashleigh (my cousin) and AJ (my boyfriend... for those of you that didn't know C: ) and made the drive. When we burst through my front door, my mom was baking pumpkin bread and frying up some bacon! oh how i love coming home to the smell of bacon! We made the usual rounds, hugging and catching-up on various aspects of each others lives, battled each other in Just Dance!, ate breakfast at lunch-time, watched some of our favorite classic YouTube videos, and spent about an hour doing the randoms (you know, catching up on homework, taking a nap (me), and doing chores). Then the girls went to a Christmas Craft/Gift Fair (decent) while the boys stayed home and did... who knows what? 

Then it was time for... the variety show! My two younger siblings performed in their school's acting/singing/dancing show that was appropriately titled...

"happily ever after... or was it?"

The entire first half of the show was dedicated to princes, princesses, falling in love, and yearning for happily ever after. I really connected with this half of the show. i am a disney girl at heart. I love to hear stories of love, magical first kisses, and bad-guy battling. As I watched number after number of beautiful Disney magic I became more dreamy-eyed, smiley, and excited for my own Happily Ever After.
then, intermission happened.
When the cast came back on stage they were dressed in villain's clothing! The "or was it?" involved  skits about the Big Bad Wolf and Villain Therapy... there was even a fog machine! I was amazed as I watched students that had a short 15 minutes ago made me swoon for my own fairytale turn into villains with evil side-plots and crazy Hades hair. I loved it.

moral of the story.... 
love conquers evil.
good overcomes bad.
knights in shining armor do indeed exist.
life is meant to be filled with singing and waltzing.
and... most importantly,
happily ever after will happen.