Meltdown #2: The Highs and the Lows of Week 26

Week 26 was a hard one for me. Physically I felt fine... healthy even... but emotionally it was rough. I began to notice that I was sinking into a general state of gloom on Monday- and I tried to pull myself out of it! I read the scriptures and prayed. I baked muffins and checked things off of my to-do list and did everything I could think of to un-gloom myself.

Everything except talk about it.

Unfortunately, I had allowed all this emotion to build up inside of me and on Thursday just unloaded it all on AJ. A waterfall of tears and incoherent "I don't know"s bombarded the sweet man after work. He just held me and let me cry.

And after days of gloom I realized what was wrong: my life is about to change.

I am beginning to realize that this is a common theme for me. I go through waves of total acceptance and total freak-out-stress-out about the fact that my life will never be the same. I felt this was when we were expecting just one baby. oh woe is me... my life will never be the same... I would think to myself as I wallowed in self pity. For some reason it was easier to pull myself out of that mode as I thought of my sister-in-law who was able to maintain an awesome normal life when she had baby Clara.

Then we found out about the twins. For a while the overarching stress of finances, living situation, health concerns, and two babies clouded any other concerns. But now that I am beginning to wrap my head around those initial concerns- other ones creep in and take their place. For example: my life is about to change.

Not in the, "I am going to be a tired mess for the first few months" kind of way. Not even in the, "I can't work with two babies" kind of way. I am realizing it is much less... and much more than that.

It all started with the grocery store.

Now-a-days I tire out so easily. My feet swell up to the size of balloons and it is painful to walk. Sometimes my feet even hurt when I am sitting down- they constantly feel like they are bruised! I try to elevate them as much as I can, but even if I sit normally for 15 minutes the swelling and pain return. what the heck?

Anyway. I needed to go to the grocery store last week and so I went. Thinking to myself that I am a strong and capable woman- I can do the grocery shopping by myself! Plus, I know the store like the back of my hand and have (in the past) completed the shopping errand in 20 minutes flat. AJ was out of town for work and so I went to the store. Unfortunately- I can't walk as fast as I would like.. so it took longer. My feet were already swollen... and so it hurt walking up and down the isles. My big belly is... big... so getting anything from the bottom shelf was a pain.

By the time I was in the check out line, I was SO DONE. The very kind manager must have seen the wearied look on my face and put all my groceries on the conveyer belt for me. Without that act of kindness, I probably would have cried.

But once I got home and crashed on the couch I started to feel gloomy. I started thinking about all of the other normal things that will no longer be normal or easy for me. Sure-- this painful stage of pregnancy won't last forever. But once I am back to my "normal" self we will have two babies that will make any semblance of normalcy difficult for a while.

I will no longer be able to make a quick run to the grocery store- without having to gear up and get out of the house with two babies.
I will no longer be able to- at 9pm- decide to run to AJs work party and hang out- without finding a babysitter or taking the boys with us.
We will no longer be able to go on a spontaneous date night and sit and talk for hours without any concern of where we need to be next.
I will no longer be able to go to the Temple on a moments notice when I feel the need for extra strength (this is even hard to do now because of how tired I get...).

Its these little, silly, normal parts of our every day life right now that I realized last week I will miss.

And I almost feel like I realized it too late.

If I had the vision of where I am at now a few months ago- I wouldn't have taken grocery shopping for granted! I would have taken every opportunity to go to the Temple and to make a dinner for someone in the ward. I would have gone on more spontaneous dates with AJ and we would have lived-up our summer more. I know that life will change. And after my freak-out-and-cry session last week I have come to terms with it.

Why? Because life won't be the same because we will have two babies. Two precious sons of Heavenly Father who will make our lives chaotic and wonderful. And yeah- I am going to miss my normal life... but I wouldn't miss out on the chance to become a momma just to be able to run to the store and grab bread whenever we need it.




Blessings of Week 26:::
- Realizing that my life will be better with two babies
- Spending time with AJ
- We made homemade biscuits and gravy!!! YUM!
- I also made blueberry muffins... they saved me during my period of late-night hunger!
- The baby shower in Provo was on Saturday. I was so blessed to spend time with friends and hear their advice and encouragement! Melissa did an amazing amazing amazing job planning the whole thing! Love that woman.
- Saturday I also got to spend time with my mom! We went shopping for baby stuff (by the last store I was wiped out and sat in a big comfy glider chair the whole time. AJ and momma had to bring the things over to me to look at/approve!!). I love my mom.
- My brother and sister-in-law recommended two books to us... and we were able to find BOTH at the library! It was a blessing to not have to wait for/buy the books.
- We had dinner with our friends Stephen and Stefani on Sunday night. It was so nice to spend time with them!!!!
- AJ traveled safely to and from NYC. He did give me a good scare when he wasn't where he said he would be when it was time to pick him up.... anyone who talked to me that night can attest: I was a mess! c:
- Novi completed their Kickstarter campaign and raised around $175,000!! Which is over twice the amount they had originally hoped to raise!
- My BFF Sammie's b-day happened. Love her.

Much love,
G

Just an Ounce of Gratitude...

Sometimes I get down on myself for not posting more... but then I come to days like this and remember that the reason I post isn't to simply update on anything; I post to express the most inconceivable emotions and hopefully figure them out through words on a screen. 

it usually works, trust me!

Today has been marvelous! I sat next to AJ in a pew at church and thought to myself, i am the luckiest girl alive. I have no complaints about today- it was perfect!

I felt the Spirit really teach me today! I have been yearning for a cry-for-the-full-3-hours kind of Sunday and, man- today was it! i am taking this moment to apologize to my fellow pums12th ward members for my shameless tear ducts! this is not the last time... fair warning. Everything that was shared was exactly what I needed to hear, and it just makes me all the more grateful for my Heavenly Father who really paid attention to that need and allowed my need to be filled. 

after writing a paragraph and deleting it due to a major feeling of disconnect, i have decided:

i am not going to bore you with details of how i felt during each meeting... 

instead, i will share my testimony and

 hopefully then this restless feeling will pass and i will get to take a nap.

I really know that I have a loving Father in Heaven who loves me and cares for me more than I could ever deserve. I am blessed with the ability to walk, hear, smell, see, feel, and know what is going on around me. I will be forever grateful for those foundational qualities of my life. My God has blessed me with so many things and sometimes all I can think is: who am i to deserve this? 

who am i to deserve to see the fire-like sunset that took my breath away?

who am i to deserve it when my little niece waves and giggles when she sees me?

who am i to deserve to feel so much love from my husband. he is so kind to me- what have i ever done to deserve that?

who am i to deserve wonderful opportunities for growth; doors that keep opening up at my heels. i have rarely been stressed about my future... why me?

who am i to deserve delicious food and friends that make me grin from ear to ear?

who am i to deserve the promise of eternity... made possible by a Brother, Savior, and Friend.

I am so grateful for everything I have ever been blessed with. My heart is overflowing with gratitude right now... so much that it hurts!  

who am i to deserve to know my Savior? 

I long for others to feel this feeling. This pure gratitude and overwhelming, tangible sense of reliance on Christ. I am so grateful for my understanding of the Plan of Salvation! I ache for those around me to be happy... to know that there is good in the world and to have something...to have eternity... to hope for. I yearn to find ways to help someone feel an ounce of love; a small something to remind them of the pure love that Heavenly Father knows for each one of us. 

oh what joy, as gratitude fills my heart! 

I don't know if I have said all that needs to be said... but my mind and heart are satisfied knowing that I have taken this ounce of time to share my emotions. 

with (so much deep, enveloping, heart-felt) love,

g