Mack and Dean... the Birth Story

I was inspired the other day by a friend's birth story blog post to finally write mine! I don't know why I didn't do it earlier... it's been 6 months... I have it all in my journal, but I never transposed it into the blog. Actually, its probably because I don't have much time on my hands anymore! c: 

I was at the OBGYN for my 36 Week Appointment and due to high blood pressure and other reasons, he told me that the best option was to be induced early that next week. I agreed and spent the next few days stressing about being induced. I had heard that being on Pitocin was incredibly painful... and I also felt very strange about missing out on that TV-labor-and-delivery-scene experience. You know, being wheeled into the hospital while screaming in pain looking like a crazy person! I definitely didn't want to miss out on that! The idea of walking up to the registration desk and saying, "I am here to be induced" so nonchalantly gave me the creeps. I know, I know... I am weird! 

Due to my strange and scared notions about being induced, I decided to try to have the babies come naturally over that weekend. So I walked around a little (really I am not sure it can even count as 'walking around' because of how hard it was... it was more like I shuffled around a little), tried primrose oil on Friday, and on Sunday night I tried castor oil as my last-ditch attempt at inducing natural labor. No such luck!

On Monday September 29th, 2014, I woke up and got dressed. I knew I wasn't supposed to eat a lot before I went in, but Dr. K told me to eat something! So AJ and I went to Kneader's and got muffin tops and smoothies.

    

delish!

In hindsight, I wish I had eaten more. c:

When we arrived at the hospital I was whisked into a L&D room and they began to hook me up to machines in order to track the babies' heartbeats. Baby A's heartbeat was normal, but Baby B's heart rate was unusually high. High enough to cause the nurses to be concerned. They threw around the scenario that if his heart rate didn't slow down in an hour then they would need to life-flight us to another hospital. 

Lots of prayers were said... and honestly I felt such a peace flow through me that I knew that we would all be okay regardless of what happened. Thankfully, his little heart rate lowered and we got to stay in Logan.

At 10:30am I was started on Pitocin, and it took me until 4pm to dilate to 4cm. During those 5ish hours I didn't have any kind of pain medication and honestly it wasn't that bad. I had a great team of people who helped me go through the stages of labor. 

My team consisted of:

- AJ. of course. This man wins a prize!! He rubbed my back and helped me breathe and held me up when I could barely stand. He encouraged me and supported me and didn't make any weird faces at all the nasty things that occur during labor. I love him.

- Mom. this woman amazes me! She kept me comfortable and gave me advice and made sure that I had everything that I needed. She was my advocate with the nurses and is wiser than I even knew before. 

- Bri French. doula. How do I accurately describe my relationship with Bri? Let's see... she is like my twin from another family. Our personalities are very similar and I feel completely comfortable around her. Her family is my family. Despite all of this, when my mom recommended that Bri attend the birth, I was against the idea. I was anxious already about the unknowns of labor and I didn't want to it to be weird for Bri and my relationship. However, I thought about it more and as the delivery date approached I realized how beneficial it would be for me to have a midwife/labor coach there to help keep me informed... especially someone that I admire and trust so much. Best decision ever. She was perfect! Bri helped the first stage of labor feel fine. The contractions ebbed and flowed, but I was able to manage the pain with her instruction. I am forever grateful for her role in my life. 

- Kasi French. errand runner. Kasi's personality is different from her sister's, for sure! She doesn't enjoy the birthing process and so she was the official family errand-runner and food-getter. She made sure that everyone was comfortable and she brought a humor to the room, which was absolutely appreciated. 

- Val. my sister. She really rose up to the occasion! I was a little nervous about how she would handle the whole process, but she was awesome. All of her shielding-of-the-eyes and voicing her discomfort brought a sense of lightness with her. It helped take my mind off of everything. 

- Dad. Oh my goodness. My dad was so uncomfortable with the whole situation. Most of the time he hung out in the lobby, which I didn't mind! He really hated seeing me in pain, but when I really needed him, he was there. He kept reminding me that I was in charge of what happened.

- Emma. my sister. Emma was in and out due to school and work... but I am so happy that she was able to come!! She was so excited about everything, finally being able to meet the twins. She helped me feel that same excitement and it took over the nerves. 

- Ryan. He pretty much hung out in the lobby... I mean I don't blame him!! But he was there for moral support and to meet the twins and it was so nice for him to be there! 

That's a pretty big L&D team... i know. And to be completely honest, I never thought I would feel comfortable having my family (Bri and Kasi included) traipsing around while I delivered babies. But  it actually turned out to be awesome. awesome awesome awesome! Having all those people I love surrounding me turned the whole experience into one big party! We were singing along to music, we watched Jim Gaffigan YouTube videos, ate popsicles, and just talked about life. It was so fun! 

 The glorious Bri French massaging my sore back! 

At one point I was so cold I had them put like 9 blankets on me... 

and I was still shivering!!!!! 

I never thought I would describe labor as fun... but it was! 

Since I had the desire to try natural labor, and the first 4cm weren't too bad pain-wise, I was thinking that I could do it. Bri was really encouraging and I felt confident. Then somewhere around 4cm dilated- I started to really feel the pain! I think a huge part of it was that I was exhausted (I didn't sleep well Sunday night). At this point I pulled AJ aside and we decided that it was time for the epidural. 

best. decision. ever. 

The anesthesiologist came in and I covered my eyes. I didn't want to see any of the needles or tools he was using for the epidural. Ignorance is bliss in these situations. To be honest, I barely felt it go in... and pretty soon afterwards was able to relax enough I got to take a short nap! bless you, epidural. 

45 minutes after I got the epidural, my nurse came in to check on how labor was progressing. I had dilated to 9cm and was 100% effaced! In 45 minutes I went from 4cm-9cm... and I didn't feel a thing! it was glorious. It took me another hour to dilate to 10cm and at that time the epidural began to wear off. The pain wasn't too bad, so I didn't re-administer the pain medication... but boy did I regret that decision once it came time to push. I pushed for about an hour and I just was feeling stressed about the pain. Also knowing that I could be pushing for another who knows how long factored into the equation. I remember my dad was propping up my back, and I was telling him how badly it was hurting. He looked at me and said, "Grace, you can do this without using more pain medication, but it is your choice. If you want more medication... don't wait on it." Smart man! I had the doctor give me more... and it definitely helped. Unfortunately I had waited too long and the epidural took a long time to kick in- so I felt a lot of the pain and pressure during delivery.

With the potential risks of a twin delivery, they decided to move me into the OR as a precaution. The nurse told me I could pick two people to come with me. My mom wasn't feeling well at all, so AJ and Bri got all decked out in their scrubs and came with me. It was strange being wheeled into the sterile OR room-- there was a metal table that the nurse wanted me to get on for delivery but I begged (I would have gotten on my knees if I could have) and they let me stay in my comfy hospital bed! 

The actual delivery part was such a blur. I just remember little snippets: Dr. K asking me if I wanted to touch Baby A's head as he was coming out. uuuuuuh uuuuuuuh no thanks! The pain/pressure of pushing until the epidural kicked back in. yikes. 

Then all of a sudden Baby A was in my arms. I always shuddered at the thought of having a shall we say... slimy... newborn in my arms. But it was the best feeling ever! He came out crying and cute. When the nurses took him away, my eyes followed him around the room. Dr. K told me that I had to wait a few minutes before pushing for Baby B to come out... follow the natural flow of the contractions... so we waited. It didn't take very long, around 5 or so minutes, for me to feel it again and before I knew it we were headed for round 2! 

As I tried to push, someone announced Baby A's weight: 6lbs 11oz. I was thinking about how big he was and how grateful I was that I didn't even realize Dr. K was using a vacuum (aka weird plunger type thing) to try to get Baby B out. When the vacuum popped off of Baby B's head and smacked my insides (yeah... NOT PLEASANT) I jumped a little bit and yelped! Dr. K looked at me fiercely and told me to focus- I still had one baby who needed to come out safe and sound. His heart rate had begun climbing so I knew I needed to get him out before an emergency C-section was needed. 

And so I pushed. 

One strong push was really all it took and all of a sudden a 5lb 4oz Baby B was in my arms. My first thought was, "he isn't crying. please cry. please, Heavenly Father let his lungs be strong and cry!!" Half a second later he was crying and I was crying and then I laughed to myself because I never thought I would pray for my babies to cry! 

Dr. K was kind of cracking me up because he kept asking if I wanted to know what was going on down there with all the last stage of labor/afterbirth stuff. I kept trying to act interested because it is good to know these things... but I was getting so grossed out! Due to his education I do know these things: I tore very little because, even though I gave birth twice, their heads were smaller than full-term babies; the placenta weighs quite a bit (and it looks super weird); and the nurses give you a little massage on your limbs to... actually I forgot why they do this, but hey, I got a massage! 

Baby B, the proud father, and Baby A... My 3 wonderful men!! 

At this point I was given two little bundles and was told to hold them while they wheeled me back to our room to meet the family. I held them in awe that I had given birth to this... newness. I couldn't decide who to look at... so my eyes kept shifting from one baby to the other. After the family met and cuddled my little loves, I tried to nurse them. I had read that it is a natural instinct for babies and I figured they would just latch on right away and be amazing... but it wasn't like that... and unfortunately we didn't have time to figure it all out because they had to go to the NICU for a 3-hour observation. Every preemie does. So I watched them be taken away and thought that maybe I would get some sleep. 

NOT! The time right after you deliver is something I don't think anyone truly prepared me for. The nurses come and check on you every few minutes with medications, ice packs, and fundus checks. i hate fundus checks. hate. hate. hate!!! I know they are important, but let me just say it was very painful... I will probably write more about it in another post. I'm that passionate about it! 

After the 3-hour observation, a nurse came to inform me that both of my little guys passed everything apart from their glucose tests. Their numbers were very low and this meant that they needed to stay in the NICU until their little bodies regulated glucose appropriately. As sad as we were, it was really late (or early in the morning) so we decided to rest and visit the boys in the morning. That was one of the best decisions ever because I was able to focus on healing. AJ actually let me sleep in and he took the NICU shift until I woke up. i love that man. 

It took a couple days of us going back and forth from the NICU to decide on both of their names. The first time I walked into the NICU, I just knew that Baby B was Dean David Hamner. He just looked like a Dean to me. 

Deciding on Baby A's name took longer. We kept going back and forth between Hugh and McKay (nickname Mack) and had actually settled on Hugh. Then we just felt very strongly that his name was not Hugh and we needed to take some more time to think about it. After a little discussion we realized that we didn't want to name him McKay if he would always have to say, "but I go by Mack." So we decided to just name him Mack Austin Hamner! It really is the perfect name for him. 

All in all- I labored less than 12 hours, had around 12lbs of baby inside of me at time of delivery, and at one point I think I had 12 people in my L&D room!! And as a result I got two beautiful, silly, happy, healthy, smiley sons. I would do it all over again c:

 Dean and Mack @ 1 week

Life Lessons from the Little Ones

Today was definitely a skirt day. My reasoning behind this decision:
#1) I went to the Provo temple this afternoon... temple days are always skirt days C:
#2) My co-worker's wedding reception was tonight... congratulations jon and katie!
aaand
#3) I just darn-well felt like it! ...weather-wise, today was a perfect day!

So with a smile on my face and a bright, bold-colored, flowered print skirt on my body I took on the world. All in all:
Life is so incredibly beautiful.

Sometimes I can't even stand it; I burst out into song and dance regardless of where I am or who I am with. There is some impeccable aesthetic-high that I feel whenever the sky is perfectly blue. man- the sky just looks perfect regardless of season when it is clear and blue. In the summer, the green trees compliment the blue in the most fresh of ways... just look out your window and try to find colors that match more naturally. In the fall, the red/orange/yellow in the trees and on the mountains make the earth seem like a painter's pallet. In the winter, the sun and the sky make the snowflakes look like diamonds; I feel like a princess whenever I have the chance to sit by a warm fire watching diamonds float gracefully towards the ground. Last but certainly not least, in the springtime, the sky looks like a painted Easter egg; pastel blue with perfect, fluffy, white clouds floating effortlessly on by. mmmmmmmhmm, i love the sky.

Weather-wise, today was a perfect day! This afternoon some friends and I went to the park and we played in the perfect weather. The sun just warm enough to make it feel like summer and the breeze juuuuust slight enough to minimize the sweat factor. Something about summertime makes me feel like a little kid again. We splashed in the fountain and played under-dog on the swings; yep, being a kid rocks.

I was talking with my roommate the other day about becoming more child-like. In the scriptures we are told to become as a little child and I absolutely agree. Growing up I did not understand that concept... i am being told right and left to grow up and take on responsibility, I thought to myself, how am i supposed to become as a little child? I definitely don't think that I have it all figured out, but I have a pretty solid foundation of an understanding to build on... let me attempt to explain.

I was a nanny for a wonderful, beautiful family for a while. In that time I was able to very closely observe the way that children thought and viewed life. It is near impossible to capture didactically, but there are a few rules that I have come to live by based off of my experiences [i am not suggesting that i am perfect at any of these things... but i am trying]:

#1) Live, Just Do It- I know how hard it is to put my heart on the line only to have it broken. I know how real disappointment feels when you look into the eyes of someone that is hurting because of something you have done. red alert: I am not perfect... but my lack of perfection should not hold me back from trying new and potentially hard things! I watched the little boy, James, learn to walk up the stairs. His face firm with determination as he began crawling and day by day grew strong enough to take the stairs one step at a time. I cannot imagine how daunting the stairs looked to him; steps half his height, the only two things he had to hold on to were the stair railing spokes and my two fingers. Imagine staring one of your challenges in the face- standing small next to your personal daunting staircase. In these times, with fear of falling and failing, grab onto whatever you can and go for it.

#2) Love and Trust, You Need 'Em- Children are so completely unafraid to love and trust. I remember one time after not being able to watch them for a while, I came over and Morgan was very opposed to the idea of her parents leaving. She was sitting on the floor crying so I sat down next to her and asked, "morgan, can i hold you?" Morgan sheepishly nodded and I wrapped her as close and tight as I could, her warm body close to mine... and there she sat crying. Though she did not really want me there, she allowed me enter her bubble and within minutes I was making her laugh. Her red eyes scrunched with smile lines the second she forgot about being sad. Morgan is a perfect example of straight-up love... and here is why: she doesn't think about ulterior motives. She doesn't protect her heart from events that haven't even happened yet. She just lets life flow through her and she just... trusts people. When you think about it, children don't have any other choice but to love and trust. Children would die in infancy if they refused adult help- it is true! We, as adults, need to realize that life can be so much richer if we could only knock down some of our walls and actually let people in.

#3) There is Joy, Find It- Have you ever looked through a child's toy box? You may find expensive toys with lights and music and sparkly gizmos that spin. You are also likely to find water bottle caps and straws and other run-of-the-mill household items. For the longest time I thought, why do parents let their kids play with this trash? But I think I understand better now... children are just happy to have something to play with. Children don't look at a balloon string and think, what junk, time to throw this away, they view the string as a new stuffed animal leash or a ribbon to float in the wind. There is so much we can learn from this example! Think about the last time you thought negatively about your house or car or backpack? I propose that instead of thinking negatively about all of these things that we just be grateful that we have a house! Be grateful that we have a car! And be grateful that we have a backpack! Yes, they may not be as fancy or new as our neighbors... but in the grand scheme of things... who cares?

Children really know how to keep it simple: they live, love and trust, find joy in the simple things, and that is pretty much it. I love that. I know I am still learning how to become more like a little child. I am so grateful that I have little balls of energy and joy [aka-children] to look up to as my example.

Like I said earlier... life is so incredibly beautiful...

and i am so grateful that i have this chance to live, love, and learn.

-g

ps- I got a bit of inspiration for a new song. It is a two-liner right now, but I am excited for the potential...
"and I don't know what I've done to deserve
all that the scriptures tell me I'm worth."
We'll see where it goes from here... C: