I Thank My Heavenly Father for Days Like These.

warning: at this point, i have no idea what path this post will take. i have a feeling that this is a way for me to process the way i am feeling right now- and in that case it will most likely have a confusing beginning, thoughtful midsection, and a testimony-bearing conclusion. however, it could also be a random mess of words on a screen. if you get to the end and think "man this was a waste of time," i can sleep peacefully knowing that i gave you fair warning.

I feel compelled to write this. Almost as strongly as I felt to write in August- and when I feel this way, the words flow naturally; the thoughts run effortlessly from my brain through my arms and fingers and transmit onto the computer screen with each key I press. So here I go...

i feel unsettled.

I just finished watching the movie The Help with my family (excellent movie, by the way. i would recommend it to anyone) and I can't help but halt at the way I am feeling right now. The movie is an inspiring and beautiful story about the Civil Rights movement, and I am sure that most people finish the movie and watch the credits with a sense of resolve and peace knowing that racial equality won. why am i not like most people? Yet unlike the majority, I sat silent and watched the white text pop onto the screen with a sense of emptiness clinging in my heart. Not twenty minutes later, I feel lonely and sad as I sit here and cry on the bunk-bed from my childhood.

sometimes you just need to cry for no reason...
sometimes there is a reason.

Tonight I feel two emotions that leave a trail of salty tears on my cheeks: the first, sympathy and the second, gratitude. let me begin with the first. 


I have always felt a deep connection to other people's emotions. For example: when a friend tells me happy news, I get so excited that it would seem as though the great thing was happening to me. Additionally, I cry when something even remotely sad happens to... anyone...including movie characters. I don't think that I have seen a movie that I haven't cried in for at least a couple months. This character trait has been prominent since I was a little girl. seriously, i bawled through the movie air bud the first time i saw it. That is one reason why I am so unsettled tonight- the emotions in the movie were so real to me. I felt as though each story the women relayed cut straight to my heart and helped me feel a tiny but of their pain.

Now, you may be sitting there and thinking, grace, honey, those characters in the movie are not real people. the movie was based on a fiction novel- don't worry about it. But that is where you are wrong. Those stories aren't false, they are true... for somebody. For some poor maid, mechanic, bus driver, son or daughter those stories of hate and prejudice are all that he/she ever knew. People were and still are born and raised in this country, my country, that never know anything but crude names and dirty looks on the street. For anyone, past or present, that has known some kind of rejection based on color, social status, disability, weight, religion, etc... my heart goes out to you. i am so sorry. Sometimes I live in this perfect bubble of happiness and daisies where I rarely think about the emotional suffering  going on all around this world.

Today I was awakened to a desire to do more.

I resolve to smile and say hello to as many people on the street as I can.
I resolve to look people in the eyes- beautiful eyes of green, blue, brown, grey, etc.- and silently say to them you are my equal.
I resolve to slow down a little in order to have more time to seek out and fulfill the needs of others.
I resolve to learn more of Christ and how He loved in order to apply those same qualities and that same attitude into my life.
I resolve to be happy and to lift other people's burdens by sharing that happiness without hesitation.

...without days like these, lives wouldn't change. 

i thank my Heavenly Father for days like these. 

I am so grateful for my life and my health. I am grateful that I have the ability to consciously choose to live a better life. I am grateful that I know who I am, a daughter of God, and I am grateful that I can share that testimony with others. I am grateful that I have been given the opportunity to help others see that life is meant to be enjoyed...

i resolve to be the kind of person that everyone feels comfortable connecting with. if anyone feels completely alone, i hope they can feel peace knowing that there is someone on this earth that cares. i may not know the situation (or even the person)... but i care. 

More than anything an average girl like me can do, there is something more. A lesson I learned early in my life is that there is a loving, kind Father in Heaven that cares. His compassion can do more for us than we will ever be able to comprehend. So when you feel alone, you can think of little old Grace that cares for you or you can think of the God that knows you better than anyone and can bring peace more fully and quickly than anyone.

well, i feel settled now. i am going to go to sleep.

much love,
g 

Happily Ever After Will Happen

It has been a stressful week: with a 12 page research paper, 18 hours of work, and 12 hours of babysitting my baby niece... not to mention all my classes and regular homework, a broken car, spending time with AJ, a test, an unnecessarily large hospital bill from forever ago, and the fact that I had to cancel multiple plans because I had no way to get to the activities. By Thursday I was pretty much wiped-out and I thought to myself... this seems all-too familiar. i made a goal to not get this busy again! what happened?

and then... it hit me.

Life happened. 
Some things happened that were beyond my control and I was asked to rise to the occasion to meet the needs of others.
Some things happened that I should have been able to control and I felt the pangs of procrastination and sloppy scheduling.
Some things happened that I could have never anticipated and I was forced to rely on other people for understanding and support.

This kind of stuff just... happens. And though it isn't as easy to handle as when everything runs like smooth butter, you learn just the same. If not more. thank goodness for stressful situations and untimely trials... because of them i am forced to excel at a higher learning curve.


anyways...


Now I am at my parent's home, sitting on their new couch, listening to the stillness of fast Sunday and 1:00 church combined. I've been awake for over an hour and haven't heard a single stir (other than someone getting up to go to the bathroom... only to go right back to sleep again). This weekend has been the perfect contrast to my worry-week; I have had a stress-free weekend in breathtakingly beautiful Logan.

Yesterday morning, I picked-up Ashleigh (my cousin) and AJ (my boyfriend... for those of you that didn't know C: ) and made the drive. When we burst through my front door, my mom was baking pumpkin bread and frying up some bacon! oh how i love coming home to the smell of bacon! We made the usual rounds, hugging and catching-up on various aspects of each others lives, battled each other in Just Dance!, ate breakfast at lunch-time, watched some of our favorite classic YouTube videos, and spent about an hour doing the randoms (you know, catching up on homework, taking a nap (me), and doing chores). Then the girls went to a Christmas Craft/Gift Fair (decent) while the boys stayed home and did... who knows what? 

Then it was time for... the variety show! My two younger siblings performed in their school's acting/singing/dancing show that was appropriately titled...

"happily ever after... or was it?"

The entire first half of the show was dedicated to princes, princesses, falling in love, and yearning for happily ever after. I really connected with this half of the show. i am a disney girl at heart. I love to hear stories of love, magical first kisses, and bad-guy battling. As I watched number after number of beautiful Disney magic I became more dreamy-eyed, smiley, and excited for my own Happily Ever After.
then, intermission happened.
When the cast came back on stage they were dressed in villain's clothing! The "or was it?" involved  skits about the Big Bad Wolf and Villain Therapy... there was even a fog machine! I was amazed as I watched students that had a short 15 minutes ago made me swoon for my own fairytale turn into villains with evil side-plots and crazy Hades hair. I loved it.

moral of the story.... 
love conquers evil.
good overcomes bad.
knights in shining armor do indeed exist.
life is meant to be filled with singing and waltzing.
and... most importantly,
happily ever after will happen.

Cukatoos Chirping and the Cosmos

i am a nerd. just ask my mom C:
  I took an astronomy class here at BYU in which I learned a lot about my role as one of God's daughters. At first in the class, when we learned about planetary nebula and black holes and supernova,  I thought i am so small... i am just a little girl on this little planet in a little solar system in a little galaxy of a massive universe. what would an omniscient God need of me? Throughout the semester my mind drastically changed from those early-on thoughts. On the last day of class, my professor decided to spend the hour discussing spiritual matters as they pertain to the cosmos. In that class I had a change of heart so massive that it still brings me to tears sometimes... let me explain.
 Take a second to look at the stars; if you don't have stars gleaming right outside your window, look up pictures of the universe online. oh, isn't it beautiful? Heavenly Father created the universe in all of its vastness; every star and galaxy and planet. He is all-knowing and all-powerful, jealous and fierce; yet gentle and kind and specific. precise... I think precise is a better word for Him. He is so precise that He knows exactly what each of His children need at any given moment. I know of countless examples in my life where I have felt Heavenly Father's hand direct me in incredibly personal ways that no one else would ever be able to do. I am often stubborn and refuse to let my true feelings show; yet Heavenly Father knows me and takes care of my needs when I am too stubborn to lean on other people in my life.
  Did you know that I love to hear the birds chirp in the mornings? I adore when clouds look abnormal in the sky! I think, if i saw this scene in a painting, i would think it was fake. but here i am seeing this in real life!! Did you know that when I see a baby smile, my heart melts like butter in a microwave? I love to dance in the rain. Did you know that sometimes the mountains look like a backdrop and I am stunned that I live in beautiful Utah? I find peace when I can run barefoot through a field of freshly cut grass. Did you know that flowers on the side of the road make me smile bright? I leap at any opportunity to sit and listen to a masterful melody. Did you know that looking up at the stars makes me marvel at my Savior and often makes me cry? I know that my Savior is real because of the power that I feel.
  You might be wondering, grace... what do all of these things have to do with the immensities of the universe you were just ranting about? They connect so incredibly seamlessly in my head that I don't distinguish between the two. Yes, the placement of our planet within our solar system and galaxy is one huge example of God's attention to details (if you don't understand why... come ask me- i am a nerd for this kind of thing); I think that the tiny things are examples of God's love as well. He knows the things that will bring me joy each day- so He gives them to me! I am often amazed at how personal it feels. 

Life Lessons from the Little Ones

Today was definitely a skirt day. My reasoning behind this decision:
#1) I went to the Provo temple this afternoon... temple days are always skirt days C:
#2) My co-worker's wedding reception was tonight... congratulations jon and katie!
aaand
#3) I just darn-well felt like it! ...weather-wise, today was a perfect day!

So with a smile on my face and a bright, bold-colored, flowered print skirt on my body I took on the world. All in all:
Life is so incredibly beautiful.

Sometimes I can't even stand it; I burst out into song and dance regardless of where I am or who I am with. There is some impeccable aesthetic-high that I feel whenever the sky is perfectly blue. man- the sky just looks perfect regardless of season when it is clear and blue. In the summer, the green trees compliment the blue in the most fresh of ways... just look out your window and try to find colors that match more naturally. In the fall, the red/orange/yellow in the trees and on the mountains make the earth seem like a painter's pallet. In the winter, the sun and the sky make the snowflakes look like diamonds; I feel like a princess whenever I have the chance to sit by a warm fire watching diamonds float gracefully towards the ground. Last but certainly not least, in the springtime, the sky looks like a painted Easter egg; pastel blue with perfect, fluffy, white clouds floating effortlessly on by. mmmmmmmhmm, i love the sky.

Weather-wise, today was a perfect day! This afternoon some friends and I went to the park and we played in the perfect weather. The sun just warm enough to make it feel like summer and the breeze juuuuust slight enough to minimize the sweat factor. Something about summertime makes me feel like a little kid again. We splashed in the fountain and played under-dog on the swings; yep, being a kid rocks.

I was talking with my roommate the other day about becoming more child-like. In the scriptures we are told to become as a little child and I absolutely agree. Growing up I did not understand that concept... i am being told right and left to grow up and take on responsibility, I thought to myself, how am i supposed to become as a little child? I definitely don't think that I have it all figured out, but I have a pretty solid foundation of an understanding to build on... let me attempt to explain.

I was a nanny for a wonderful, beautiful family for a while. In that time I was able to very closely observe the way that children thought and viewed life. It is near impossible to capture didactically, but there are a few rules that I have come to live by based off of my experiences [i am not suggesting that i am perfect at any of these things... but i am trying]:

#1) Live, Just Do It- I know how hard it is to put my heart on the line only to have it broken. I know how real disappointment feels when you look into the eyes of someone that is hurting because of something you have done. red alert: I am not perfect... but my lack of perfection should not hold me back from trying new and potentially hard things! I watched the little boy, James, learn to walk up the stairs. His face firm with determination as he began crawling and day by day grew strong enough to take the stairs one step at a time. I cannot imagine how daunting the stairs looked to him; steps half his height, the only two things he had to hold on to were the stair railing spokes and my two fingers. Imagine staring one of your challenges in the face- standing small next to your personal daunting staircase. In these times, with fear of falling and failing, grab onto whatever you can and go for it.

#2) Love and Trust, You Need 'Em- Children are so completely unafraid to love and trust. I remember one time after not being able to watch them for a while, I came over and Morgan was very opposed to the idea of her parents leaving. She was sitting on the floor crying so I sat down next to her and asked, "morgan, can i hold you?" Morgan sheepishly nodded and I wrapped her as close and tight as I could, her warm body close to mine... and there she sat crying. Though she did not really want me there, she allowed me enter her bubble and within minutes I was making her laugh. Her red eyes scrunched with smile lines the second she forgot about being sad. Morgan is a perfect example of straight-up love... and here is why: she doesn't think about ulterior motives. She doesn't protect her heart from events that haven't even happened yet. She just lets life flow through her and she just... trusts people. When you think about it, children don't have any other choice but to love and trust. Children would die in infancy if they refused adult help- it is true! We, as adults, need to realize that life can be so much richer if we could only knock down some of our walls and actually let people in.

#3) There is Joy, Find It- Have you ever looked through a child's toy box? You may find expensive toys with lights and music and sparkly gizmos that spin. You are also likely to find water bottle caps and straws and other run-of-the-mill household items. For the longest time I thought, why do parents let their kids play with this trash? But I think I understand better now... children are just happy to have something to play with. Children don't look at a balloon string and think, what junk, time to throw this away, they view the string as a new stuffed animal leash or a ribbon to float in the wind. There is so much we can learn from this example! Think about the last time you thought negatively about your house or car or backpack? I propose that instead of thinking negatively about all of these things that we just be grateful that we have a house! Be grateful that we have a car! And be grateful that we have a backpack! Yes, they may not be as fancy or new as our neighbors... but in the grand scheme of things... who cares?

Children really know how to keep it simple: they live, love and trust, find joy in the simple things, and that is pretty much it. I love that. I know I am still learning how to become more like a little child. I am so grateful that I have little balls of energy and joy [aka-children] to look up to as my example.

Like I said earlier... life is so incredibly beautiful...

and i am so grateful that i have this chance to live, love, and learn.

-g

ps- I got a bit of inspiration for a new song. It is a two-liner right now, but I am excited for the potential...
"and I don't know what I've done to deserve
all that the scriptures tell me I'm worth."
We'll see where it goes from here... C:

Food Fights and Food for Thought

Back in the day my friends and I had a loooot of food fights! We had pudding fights, sloppy-joe fights, egg fights, cake fights, ice cream fights, etc... Those days were so much fun and today for Family Home Evening with my ward we had a blast to Grace's past night in which we had a.... JELLO/PUDDING FIGHT!

It was so much fun; getting to shove pudding and jello into ward members' faces that you hardly know. I loved being able to let my guard down and have pure, untainted fun... it makes me crave adventure.

Though the real test is how you feel after the initial glee of lurching hand-fulls of pudding into the air aimed at the back of someone's head... the test is this: am I still comfortable with who I am though I am nasty, sticky, and smell of a mixture of vanilla/cherry/chocolate/lime? After the fight I hosed-off, swam, and then came home and showered... and immediately went back out into public though my hair isn't done and I don't have a trace of make-up on. Am I comfortable with myself without the mask of make-up? I think a year ago the answer would have been no in most scenarios. I would not have allowed myself to go out into public for fear of not being regarded as beautiful. My past definition of natural beauty was based off of the world's standards [you know- perfect skin, air dried hair that lays flat or falls curly, natural honey suckle aroma, etc...] but I think this summer I have learned a different definition of beautiful. This summer I learned that beauty is confidence. Beauty is a deep understanding that I am a daughter of Heavenly Father and everything about me is precious. Think about it like a huge hunk of gold recently mined: though it is not smooth around the edges- there are parts that jut out and pieces that seem to be dented in- no piece of the gold is less valuable than the rest of the mass. This dented and jutting piece of gold is the same value as a gold sculpture that has been smoothed and shaped. I compare that to each of us... we all have our dents and jutts, our faults and perks... but that does not make anyone more valuable or beautiful than another person.

This is a lesson my dear friend Kaja Pool [let me just say- one of the most gorgeous people I know] attempted to teach me in high school. I remember one day while hanging out in the hall after class I approached her with the question of how she felt comfortable wearing so little make-up. She only wore mascara- a thought that I felt was unthinkable! She told me that she didn't need a fake mask to think of herself as beautiful. Beauty isn't physical- beauty is personality. At that time I chalked up her answer to the fact that "oh, she can say that! she is just naturally beautiful- i could never pull that off in my life!" Well folks, I have! After my amazing summer of self-discovery [thank you Jared Workman and all of the other people that helped me figure this out] I am proud to say that I pull a Kaja almost each day. Sometimes I even force myself to leave off the foundation and earrings and walk out the door feeling slightly self-conscious; though after a few minutes I put a smile on my face and have learned to forget about my in-born womanly concern the thoughts of others and be comfortable simply being me.

I suggest you do the same! Sometime this week I challenge you [if you haven't already done so] to leave off the make-up... or to wear a baggy t-shirt to class... or to let your hair do its own natural thing. Leaving the house might be hard at first! You may feel pangs of self-doubt... am i beautiful enough to pull this off? The answer is a RESOUNDING YES! Beauty isn't beauty... it is personality. Stick a smile on that clean face of yours and show people that beauty emanates from inside. I bet if you smile and serve and let the light of the Spirit shine through- you will get a bunch of compliments. Compliments that don't trace back to the clothes you wear or the headband in your hair... these compliments will trace back to you. Natural, beautiful you. You might even change your definition of beauty.

Trial Turned to Testimony

Sometimes it just hits me... emotion, that is. Emotion just swells over me like a tidal wave and I am left standing in a crowded room on the verge of tears with nothing to do but bite my cheek and desperately pray that no one is watching. I run scenario after scenario through my head which helps me think of exactly what I would say when approached by someone... in my head I remain composed and calm while in reality I know that would never happen. I am such a bawl-baby... a trait I have had since I can remember; I am not ashamed to show emotion, I just wish that I could control my tear ducts.

In regards to this happening in a crowded room... sometimes it is even more embarrassing when it happens while I am in a room that only has a few people in it- why? because then I'm not simply some random girl and they always feel inclined or even obliged to ask me whether or not I am doing okay. I appreciate the thought each time, but sometimes I just wish I could be left to my own devices as a way to let the emotion subside until later when I am alone with a box of tissues and a loving roommates' shoulder to cry on.

So, as you can imagine, this happened today. I was informed of some big and potentially scary news about a friend which made me feel like a juggler that had been hit by a ton of bricks. I was scrambling to catch my manners, composure, language, and what felt like twenty other juggling-balls when literally 3 seconds later, I heard a knock on my door. I thought, oh shoot! i forgot i had been expecting company. I opened the door and managed to hold my composure through conversation for about 2 minutes before I felt moisture swell on my bottom eye-lid and my face begin to turn a slight shade of pink. Just as I began to think of a way to cover up the fact that I was crying my friend noticed something was up- I could tell because he furrowed his brow and tilted his head [concerned face]. I swiftly apologized and ran into Victoria's room where I said all too fast, "Victoriacomehugmeplease." She came over and I let a few tears fall into her shoulder before I felt my muscles relax; I knew then that I would be able to keep my cool though I was not feeling... cool.

Well, I did it. I managed to wimp my way through a couple hours before it hit me again and I felt the strong current tugging at me- forecasting another tidal wave. Each time this happens during a trial/event, in my life or the life of a loved one, I think how long will it take for me to not need an emotional vent every few hours? That depends on what happened; it may take a day, a few days, a week, a month, or even in terms of semesters and years. Sometimes the emotional outlet subsides to once a week or once a year, but that doesn't change the fact that I wish my bawl-baby eyes could handle it better. thank you, parents, for giving me this crying gene. it truly is fantastic c:

You know what keeps me going through it all- the stress and sickness and semesters of utter dirt? My Savior Jesus Christ and my loving Heavenly Father. Whenever I feel like I need a shoulder to cry on [which often, I do], I know that I can confide all things in the most loving Beings imaginable. I am so grateful that I am not asked to walk this life alone- though sometimes it feels that way. That reminds me of the footsteps poem- you know, the one with the man walking in the beach and throughout his life he can see two sets of footsteps imprinted in the sand. But there are times where only one set of footprints have been set in the sand. At first the man is hurt and he asks, in the darkest of times why did you leave me alone? and Christ responds, it was in those darkest of times that i carried you. I know that this is true. I know that I am never alone at any time of my life; when I am happy- my joy is doubled because Christ rejoices right along with me. But when I am sad or alone or afraid of the uncharted darkness ahead- I feel a burden lifted because I know, i know that God loves me and would never leave me with too much to bear. Though that knowledge doesn't change the physical trial... it changes my attitude about the situation and I am able to see my life brighter.

hmmmm... see, i'm feeling better already c:

I'm just a beginner, but I am learning everyday.
much love,
G

Dear Maggie...

Dear Maggie:
You made me feel loved, thank you. You brought light into my dimming day, thank you- I was tired, hungry, and on the verge of grouchiness when you waved my shuttle van down. I remembered you from before because I had made a mental note of your tan floor-length skirt. You were so kind as you assured me that you didn't need me to get out of the van to help you get in. I saw a sigh of relief on your face as you sank into the seat cushion; soaking in the air conditioning. The conversation we had changed my perspective and I continue to strive to live closer to your example. Thank you, Maggie. I desperately hope we will meet again- then this thankful heart can rectify.

I doubt that the woman this post is inspired by will ever read this, but I couldn't stay away. So many things have happened in my life this past year that should have prompted me to post... but I didn't... oops. Then, on a busy day in a busy week, a woman most likely in her 60s made my day which prompted me to share my good fortune. This past Thursday and Friday I was able to work as a shuttle van driver for BYU's Education Week. I loved it. I met some of the most eccentric, loving, and gracious people I have ever met. [I also met the most pessimistic person and it made me feel very blessed and loved that I am able to see beauty all around me despite the grey nature at times.] There are a few people I met that stand out and deserve a shout out:

#1) Man from the South: Thanks for making me laugh and calling me "pretty lady."
#2) Young Mother: This may sound weird, but when you broke down in tears in the passenger seat, it was exactly what I needed. You felt the Spirit so strongly and were not ashamed to share that Spirit with everyone in the van... including me. I am so grateful that you were able to share with me the blessings of your life because you truly helped me recognize the blessings in mine. You make me excited to be a mother; to have a loving husband that will rush to my rescue during times of stress and much needed "mommy time."
#3) Young Girls: HAH! We laughed about the fact that I had been holding in my desire to "Slug Bug" all of the passengers in my van. Thank you for being a breath of fresh air and fun. It was nice not having to hold a professional air for a few minutes. You let me be myself in my most natural element, and I loved it!
#4) All the Women in my last trip: Ladies, ladies, ladies... you truly were my favorite van-full. I have often heard from women, "How come you aren't married yet?" typically said in a snide, accusatory manner... despite the fact that I just barely turned 20. You, however, said it in a loving and sincerely shocked way- one that made me wonder the same thing. I then received dating advice which I fully intend in using. Watch out, boys... I am armed and ready C:
#5) Handicapped Van: I stopped to grab a bottle of H20 and I saw someone struggling to fit a walker-contraption into a van. Naturally, I rushed over to help. As I did I was blessed beyond belief because I was able to meet 3 women with disabilities and one very patient caretaker. I almost burst into tears when I realized that you wanted me in the picture that was being taken. I got in and you grabbed my hand and made me feel so at home. This experience heightened my knowledge that I am in the right major and on the right path. I love you- I don't know you but I love you.
... Last but definitely not least,
#6) Maggie: I was about to go on break and I got the impression to make one more round for people... when I turned the corner to the MOA, I saw you waving your arms to flag me down. Those simple words when you stepped into my car, "Well, those other van drivers thought I was crazy when I told them I was waiting for a specific driver," made my night. You hopped in my van and we drove off, just the two of us chatting away like old friends. I love the way you spoke about the experiences you had been having at Education Week. You spoke in such a sure manner that I could never doubt you, well, ever. We talked about our lives; mine just beginning and yours well on your way. You are so kind and patient... your example taught me something very important on Friday: though it is important to beat traffic, get home, get to the next class, etc... it is equally if not more important to take time to make a positive impact in another person's day. I constantly get wrapped up in my busy schedule... my work, my school, my this and my that... but there is always time to shine a little brighter and watch someone else walk a little taller.

Thank you, Maggie.
I'm only a beginner- but I cherish my time to be learning.