Sometimes it just hits me... emotion, that is. Emotion just swells over me like a tidal wave and I am left standing in a crowded room on the verge of tears with nothing to do but bite my cheek and desperately pray that no one is watching. I run scenario after scenario through my head which helps me think of exactly what I would say when approached by someone... in my head I remain composed and calm while in reality I know that would never happen. I am such a bawl-baby... a trait I have had since I can remember; I am not ashamed to show emotion, I just wish that I could control my tear ducts.
In regards to this happening in a crowded room... sometimes it is even more embarrassing when it happens while I am in a room that only has a few people in it- why? because then I'm not simply some random girl and they always feel inclined or even obliged to ask me whether or not I am doing okay. I appreciate the thought each time, but sometimes I just wish I could be left to my own devices as a way to let the emotion subside until later when I am alone with a box of tissues and a loving roommates' shoulder to cry on.
So, as you can imagine, this happened today. I was informed of some big and potentially scary news about a friend which made me feel like a juggler that had been hit by a ton of bricks. I was scrambling to catch my manners, composure, language, and what felt like twenty other juggling-balls when literally 3 seconds later, I heard a knock on my door. I thought, oh shoot! i forgot i had been expecting company. I opened the door and managed to hold my composure through conversation for about 2 minutes before I felt moisture swell on my bottom eye-lid and my face begin to turn a slight shade of pink. Just as I began to think of a way to cover up the fact that I was crying my friend noticed something was up- I could tell because he furrowed his brow and tilted his head [concerned face]. I swiftly apologized and ran into Victoria's room where I said all too fast, "Victoriacomehugmeplease." She came over and I let a few tears fall into her shoulder before I felt my muscles relax; I knew then that I would be able to keep my cool though I was not feeling... cool.
Well, I did it. I managed to wimp my way through a couple hours before it hit me again and I felt the strong current tugging at me- forecasting another tidal wave. Each time this happens during a trial/event, in my life or the life of a loved one, I think how long will it take for me to not need an emotional vent every few hours? That depends on what happened; it may take a day, a few days, a week, a month, or even in terms of semesters and years. Sometimes the emotional outlet subsides to once a week or once a year, but that doesn't change the fact that I wish my bawl-baby eyes could handle it better. thank you, parents, for giving me this crying gene. it truly is fantastic c:
You know what keeps me going through it all- the stress and sickness and semesters of utter dirt? My Savior Jesus Christ and my loving Heavenly Father. Whenever I feel like I need a shoulder to cry on [which often, I do], I know that I can confide all things in the most loving Beings imaginable. I am so grateful that I am not asked to walk this life alone- though sometimes it feels that way. That reminds me of the footsteps poem- you know, the one with the man walking in the beach and throughout his life he can see two sets of footsteps imprinted in the sand. But there are times where only one set of footprints have been set in the sand. At first the man is hurt and he asks, in the darkest of times why did you leave me alone? and Christ responds, it was in those darkest of times that i carried you. I know that this is true. I know that I am never alone at any time of my life; when I am happy- my joy is doubled because Christ rejoices right along with me. But when I am sad or alone or afraid of the uncharted darkness ahead- I feel a burden lifted because I know, i know that God loves me and would never leave me with too much to bear. Though that knowledge doesn't change the physical trial... it changes my attitude about the situation and I am able to see my life brighter.
hmmmm... see, i'm feeling better already c:
I'm just a beginner, but I am learning everyday.
much love,
G
I LOVE YOU! Call me, beep me if you want to reach me. I miss you and I can't wait to see you!
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