Last night I had my first meltdown.

I am not looking for pity.

This is simply an outlet for my feelings. I have had exactly one week of knowing about the boys... and I have read a lot of blogs and articles where I read a lot of facts-- but I wanted to know the emotions. I want to know if the things I am feeling are common and if the concerns we are working through are typical.
I think that's why I am going to write so much now. I will write my feelings, the products I like, the most helpful resources, etc.
I will write whatever comes to my pregnancy-brain... and hope that somehow it will help someone someday.

So let's begin:
Last night I had my first meltdown.

I say first because I am sure I will have more. Many, many, many more.

This meltdown regarded the need to move to a bigger house. Let me fill you in:

We live in a one bedroom basement apartment. It is so cute and cozy... and even though it is a basement, it has WINDOWS. Glorious windows. It gets cold in the winter, but we can deal (and by "deal" I mean that I complain all winter about how cold it is).

When we found out that we were having a baby, we thought about moving to a 2 bedroom apartment. We researched it for months and finally came to the conclusion that it made more financial sense to stay in our one bedroom apartment. Raising one baby in our apartment wasn't going to cause any problems. Babies don't take up that much space.

So we got all set: our financial plan was in order. We made smart decisions about summer work and started getting geared up for baby. We even had a plan to put money away into savings based on working this summer. I have a checklist-mind and I felt very calm and confident in my plan. All of the boxes were checked off nicely and I felt great.

But there is no way on earth that two babies are fitting into our apartment. We simply can't do it. We have looked and looked and have decided that it is a 'no way Jose' kind of thing. We simply HAVE to move.

So then we thought:
Where?
When?
2 bedrooms?
3 bedrooms?
Will we have to change wards?
Will we be by our friends?
Will we be able to find a place that doesn't kill our budget?
etc. etc. etc.

My brain went into mush mode. I have been so concerned this last week about it all (and not to mention the BILLION of other things on my mind). I have looked at our budget about a thousand times reworking situations to find the best one. We have a few options.
1) Move to Logan and live with my generous and helpful family.
2) Stay in Provo and live with an amazing couple who offered to house us.
3) Stay in Provo and find our own place.

These options are all good. There are pros and cons to each. Everyone has been telling me that we will need all the help that we can get... so #1 is the best option. But #1 means moving 2 1/2 hours away from AJs company and I don't want to be away from him all the time... so #2 or #3 make the most sense. #2 is awesome because it is in Provo and financially smart, but do I really want to infringe upon our friends generosity by keeping them up all night and have them renovate part of the downstairs? Also, when family comes to visit all the time, I wouldn't want our friends to regret having us live there... so #3 is the best option. But #3 is expensive and we need to be financially smart... so #1 is the best option.
see where this whirlpool of decisions and factors and pros/cons leads my mind? I go through this process about 10 times every. single. day.

AJ and I sat down two nights ago and looked at the financial burden of #3. We felt the need to go through our options for #3 so that we can be more knowledgeable about options #1 and #2. (We still haven't made any decisions...) We have killa awesome rent where we are at now, so everything else seems ridiculously expensive. Twice what we are currently paying for a 2 or 3 bedroom apartment in Provo. And after looking at the pros/cons of the 2 vs. the 3... 3 makes more sense. 3 bedrooms provides room for family/other help to come and stay, with a room for the babies so we are not kept up all night.

So 3 bedroom apartments in Provo with natural light (because I get depressed in dungeon-y basements and that + post partum depression does not sound like a good combination for my sanity) in an area close to our friends is what we are looking for.

We found a few to look at and really loved one of the apartments. We talked back and forth with the landlord and are still in the running... but late last night AJ and I reviewed finances and it will be tight. At least for a little while until AJs company picks up. And by "tight" I mean... not entirely sure how we would pay for the deposit + first months rent + the uncertainty of my current working situation (another post about that whole deal because it is a crazy story). Once August rolls around we feel pretty confident about financial stuffs... however- until then- who the heck knows.

[insert meltdown here]

I cried. I bawled so uncontrollably that I couldn't think straight. I was saying my prayer and I couldn't see the end. I couldn't see how everything would work out and I was freaking out. I remember saying, "Heavenly Father, I know I trust you and I know that everything will work out... but I can't see how and I don't know if I can do this." My brain doesn't like to not have a plan. And this lack of a plan is so overwhelming to me. SO overwhelming.

AJ heard me sobbing and offered me a priesthood blessing. what a wonderful man I have. In the blessing I was told to focus on Christ and all things would make sense in time. AJ finished and asked me what I learned and at first I did NOT feel comforted.

I felt like I was still in the same spot.
Mentally I knew that I trusted God. He has delivered me from my trials before and He has shown me that I can trust Him. Trust God: easy.
Emotionally I felt that I needed to see the next step and I needed to see it now. Actually acting with full faith: not easy.

I cried some more.... then I came to understand that by focusing on Christ I will gain an added measure of His spirit. And through that spirit, we will be guided to the right paths. And those right paths will be made clear to us as we live our lives in accordance to the gospel. I felt a lot of peace in this.

So... do we know what we are going to do exactly? No. But I am hoping that as I put my trust in Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, we will be led to the best things.

And it will work out.

(I just need to continually remind myself of that)

The CRAZIEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES

This is an email that I wrote to my brother, Elder Grant Fuller, who is on a mission in Washington D.C.

He originally entitled his email on Monday the "CRAZIEST WEEK OF MY LIFE"... So I guess we were going crazy all over the USofA! 

My emotions were really raw in this email, which is why I copied it directly instead of trying to rewrite it. These are some of the lessons I have learned in the past 4 (wow has it really only been 4??) days since we found out about the twins! 

Grant-

I didn't think your email was lame at all. Short, yes... but powerful. Thank you for sharing that experience where you learned about yourself and the Atonement. I loved it.

AJ and I have also had the CRAZIEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES... and I am not being over dramatic (though sometimes I can be).

We went in for my 20 week ultrasound to find out gender....

and.....

We found out that there are TWO babies growing inside of me!

Yes- twins!!!!!! I am not joking or lying (mom thought I was lying).

We are having TWO BOYS-- and they are most likely identical because they share a placenta. IDENTICAL TWIN BOYS... what the whaaaat?

I am honestly still shocked that we didn't know earlier. haha! How did we go 20 weeks before we found out that there are two babies inside of me? IDK- but it happened!

Naturally our lives turned upside down. I have really had to rely on Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ this week.

Initially I felt so overwhelmed. I couldn't think straight and I just basically allowed my brain to turn off. I have spent the last few months preparing for one baby. ONE BABY. And you know my brain is similar to moms where I need a plan. I had a perfect, pretty, packaged plan all prepared for one baby. Everything was lined up timing wise, financially, and everything was going to go the way I had planned.

Then the ultrasound tech told us we were having TWO babies.

Now- when you have twins- apparently everything changes. Expected due dates, expected physical activity, expected ability to work after baby, expected recovery time, expected COST....the size of home you need, the additional support you need, the amount of calories you need to eat per day. It ALL changes.

At first, that change was too much for me. I felt so overwhelmed, Grant, I didn't know what to do. Everyone was so shocked and excited for us... but I was terrified. Luckily we have a loving Heavenly Father who inspires people to do/say much needed things to help us when life is too much.

-Both Spencer and Mom both shared how God will never give us more than we can handle. He might take us to the edge of our abilities a couple times... but it is never too much. I am so grateful that I was reminded of this early on. I've said that to myself probably a hundred times since Tuesday.

-A few close friends shared particularly needed words of encouragement. And not all of them directly included the twin news. Some friends just shared how grateful they were for our friendship and how I had helped them through such a hard time in their life. That helped me remember that God gives us people in our lives to help us when we need it most. He doesn't expect us to deal with our lives alone in a corner! Friends and family play essential roles in our lives to help us overcome the things that might debilitate us.

-I had a particularly poignant conversation with a fellow seminary teacher. He reminded me that this is a chance to put my trust in God. Not to put my trust in my planner or my abilities as a mother... but to really and truly place all of my faith in Him. I have been praying a lot about what he said to me- and I know that Heavenly Father is asking me to rely on Him and our Savior through this time. I also know that as I learn to do so- He will bless us. Everything will work out because He will bless us.

-Also, we went to the temple. Tuesday night, after the ultrasound, AJ and I went with some friends. I felt very powerfully that despite being sad about not teaching next year, I will be using the skills I have learned as a teacher every day with these boys. I will have the opportunity to grow as a person and a mother and a teacher. AJ and I have been prepared for this. With AJs company, the fact that we didn't get a puppy (even though I wanted one SOOOO bad), the fact that we felt inspired to stay at our apartment instead of moving to another one where we would be stuck in a lease, the fact that the past two weeks have been filled with spiritual growth due to seminary in-service training and personal study... He really prepared us.

-Additionally, I have felt an overwhelming sense of support from random people around me. I have met a few families with twins in the past few days (seminary training was a beautiful experience where I met a lot of parents of multiples) and they all helped me with advice. Some even offered to give/loan us things we will need!!! I mean- I have been so grateful for the sense of community there is between families with multiples and the church in general. We have felt SO blessed.

Despite all of my learning and growing this week. I still need time and work to become what Heavenly Father wants from me at this time. I still fall into debilitated stress zones. I still freak out about the future. I still feel sad that I will no longer get to teach. I still forget to drink a camel load of water.... but everything will work out. And when I feel stressed out of my mind- I just remind myself of the good things happening and our Savior makes me stronger.

I love you. I love you I love you I love you!

You are such a good example to me. Keep up the honorable and great work!

Love,

Grace, Baby A, and Baby B!

Gender Reveal(s)

Yesterday I was mostly freaking out.

My train of thought ranged from twins to money to food to oh my gosh my brain is wiped and I need some sleep! 

I wasn't really excited yesterday- so we decided to wait to do the gender reveal for today! I am so glad that we waited, because when I woke up today I felt more excited than nervous. 

Our friends Melissa and Ethan put on the gender reveal party and it was perfect! Melissa and I used to plan events together, so I had full confidence in her party planning abilities c:

Isn't Melissa amazing?! 

Baby #1 was revealed by cutting a cake dyed the gender color! 

Blue blue blue blue blue!!!!! 

Baby #1 is a boy! We may have freaked out a little! 

Baby #2 was revealed by pulling tabs on a box which let colored balloons spill everywhere! 

Blue blue blue blue blue! 

Also, check out my bump! I'm only 20 weeks but I look like I am about to pop! 

Insert excited, happy dance here!!! 

The fact that we have two boys and they share a placenta means that they are most likely identical! How am I going to tell them apart? I'm hoping momma's intuition will come into play once they are born. Otherwise I am going to have to paint their toenails... Poor boys! 

We had a little while of uninterrupted joy and excitement- then my plannig brain kicked in again and I started stressing about finances and work and living situations, etc. I know everything will all work out- I know that these boys are going to have a great life and they are going to be loved and cared for. I also have faith in God's plan and His timing. 

My heart trusts Heavenly Father completely... My brain is trying to make sense of all the now loose ends! Isn't it amazing how your entire life can change in two days?! 

Much love, 

G

...There are TWO Human Beings Growing Inside of ME!!

So- we just found out that we are having TWINS!

Here are some of the thoughts going through my head: 

- What the crap?!

- How are we going to do this?

- All of our financial planning for one baby is no longer valid! 

- Ummm... thank goodness we bought a car that can fit two carseats! 

- Two mouths to feed... two butts to cover... two personalities to develop! 

So all through my pregnancy, I have been worried about gaining too much weight. I started showing early and people CONSTANTLY tell me, wow you are soooo big! i can't believe you are only so-and-so weeks! 

Then my friend told me about how their cousin found out they were having twins at their 20 week ultrasound! After I heard that story, I started getting really nervous. dreaming about the twins didn't really help to calm my nerves! 

lo and behold: 8:40 am we were with the ultrasound tech. She poured the warm jelly on my belly and then began. I saw two distinct circles on the screen- and then she hesitated. are you seeing what i'm seeing? she asked. Quietly I said the word, twins?

And then all of a sudden our world changed! She confirmed for SURE that there are two healthy babies growing inside of me. Of course AJ was ecstatic-- and I was thinking through all the logistics. dang the planning brain of mine! I am trying hard to really enjoy today as we let this news sink in... then tomorrow have the gender reveal...s  c:

Hope.

Sadness and discouragement have been a recurring theme this past week. Each day I have powered through work and conversation only to find myself laying in bed struggling to fall asleep. The gloom seems more like a wet blanket than a wall; weighing me down, not necessarily halting my progression. Time passes so slowly and it feels like no matter what I do- by the end of the day I will still be sad.

Then today I watched a TV show-- the storyline took a turn I never saw coming in which a woman was raped. The show did a tasteful job, not showing graphic images, but the idea was enough for me to internalize the fear. Growing up my mom always said that empathy was one of my gifts... right now it feels more like a curse. The emotions coursing through me feel so real- sadness, guilt, pain, frustration, despair- they are consuming my mind.

I do not want to feel this way. I do not like seeing AJ's face full of concern. I have always heard and taught that we can choose the way that we feel despite our trials or circumstances. Even though it is difficult, tonight I will try to practice what I preach.

Step 1: Listen to a conference talk

I found a beautiful talk on hope by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf. It is entitled The Infinite Power of Hope from his conference address in October 2008. If you are dealing with a trial, specifically one in which hope seems lost, I encourage you to read this talk.

He talks so confidently and assuredly that there is hope even in the most difficult of times. He relates scripture after scripture showing examples of when Heavenly Father provided hope to the weary. This talk made me think of examples from my own life when I had hope in the gospel. This hope in the past helped me to overcome the influence of the adversary. I know it can do so now.

Step 2: Listen to uplifting music

I am listening to beautiful music as I am writing this. Encouraging, uplifting songs that help me feel the peace that comes from our Savior. I am not trying to shove out the emotions brought on by the week... instead I am trying to open my heart to other emotions. Thoughtfulness. Hope. Dedication. Desire. Gratitude.


The feelings of despair that the Adversary wanted to consume me will instead change me. They will make me a more empathetic woman. They will make me an advocate for peace. They have made me a more grateful daughter of the most kind God.

I know that this one night will not cure me of trials and sadness forever. Next time, though, I will have tools and a deeper testimony to back me up. In a way I am grateful for this experience. I know that all trials are given to us in the hope that they will make us stronger.

Most importantly I am grateful for my Savior, Jesus Christ. The thought keeps coming back into my mind- He knows exactly how to comfort me. He knows exactly how to comfort every single one of us in our nights of darkness and despair. I know He gained this knowledge in an act of undeniable love. I know He sacrificed Himself for us as a way to bring us home to Father- in Father's presence despair ceases. An eternity of joy is waiting for me if I can overcome these weeks of sadness and discouragement.

and i will.

Back to Real Life...

After a summer in Japan, it was time to go back to real life. AJ and I were so excited to come back to Provo and get started with work and school... Seriously, we love BYU.

Here are some of my personal highlights from Japan: 

Attending the Tokyo Temple. Love that place. 

Mmmmmmmm... Communist gyoza. Most delicious gyoza ever!

Our anniversary... Love my man! 

Our first shrine experience. It was an eye opener!

Going out on the town as siblings and NOT getting a ticket! How were we supposed to know it wasn't okay to park there? 

The Cafe du Jardin. Yum yum yum yum yum

Experiencing the Japanese hospital. 

Seeing the Daibutsu for the first time. 

Nara in general! 

Hiking Mt. Fuji. It was perfect. 

I loved Japan!

C:

G

Our 7 Day Trip: Day 7

On Sunday we went to church with the Wadas! As much as I was grateful that the LDS church is the same worldwide, I still had a hard time concentrating due to the fact that I didn't understand a word. I got the general gist, said "amen" when I heard everyone else say it, and partook of the sacrament because the prayers are the same. It was a good experience!

Afterwards AJ and I decided to go to Nara before we made our way back to Yokota Air Force Base. Nara was my day's favorite place that he served and he made it clear that we would love it. 

And boy did we love it! 

Nara is a small town that has some amazing tourist attractions. It is kind of out of the way, though, so it isn't as crowded as other tourist spots. To compare it to an American town, think of some place like Jackson Hole, WY.

We didn't have too much time to spend in Nara, but we picked our #1 and #2 sights-to-see and we made sure we saw them! 

#1: The Sacred Deer of Nara. 

The deer of Nara are sacred and roam the streets down by the temples. I love them. They are so cute and LITERALLY BOW to you when you give them a cracker. There are street vendors that sell hay-crackers for the tourists to feed the deer. Did we do this? Yes!

Look at his smile! Best ¥150 we ever spent

The deer bowed to us and it was a fun experience. Then one female deer decided she was still hungry and kept pestering me! Her plan of attack was to literally attack me in order to get more food. She bit my stomach and my butt! AJ had to (lightly) kick her to try to keep her away from me and finally I had to run away frustrated. 

Did I mention she bit a hole in my bag?

Not all the deer were that bad. Here are some of our happy pictures: 

My new FAVORITE picture of AJ. Love that smile.

Our #2 sight-to-see was the largest wooden building in the world. It definitely did not disappoint! 

Seriously this building was so massive. Look at how big it is compared to the teeny tiny people going in the front gate. When we turned the corner and saw this, AJ and I thought it looked like CGI in a movie. It was absolutely breathtaking! No wonder this was my dad's favorite place! Surprisingly the current building is 1/3 the size of the original wooden structure. Actually maybe it isn't so surprising since the Japanese people celebrate FIRE festivals in their wooden temples. Even at 1/3 the original size, it is still the largest wooden building in the world. Amazing. 

That is not a painting... It is a huge statue.

Daibutsu (aka Big Buddha)

Funny mask-faces. 

AJ and I agreed that Nara was one of our most favorite places in Japan. We had a blast and saw some amazing things. Way to go, dad!

C:

G