I talked with some friends a while ago about how I don't feel like myself anymore now that I am a mom... I mentioned how I used to feel so fun and free and service-oriented, but now I feel 10 years older than I really am and tired before the day begins. I got a lot of positive and uplifting feedback about how being a momma to twins does that to you. They all said that I would feel more like myself in time. Even with their reassurances I still felt lost. Since then I have been reflecting a lot on my personality and how I have changed since becoming a mom. Basically, I have been trying to answer, "WHY do I not feel like myself anymore?"
I think I've come to a realization about a major part of my personality--- I have a constant battle between my need for structure and my need to be spontaneous and free-spirited.
I remember watching the movie Tangled for the first time. I was SO DRAWN to Rapunzel's zest for life and her adventurous spirit and the fact that she is a Disney princess with brown hair and green eyes that I literally felt like I was her. Especially the part of the movie when she comes out of the tower and she is running around experiencing everything for the first time and her song lyrics build up to a crescendo that is so telling of how her emotions are about ready to spill out of her body... and the part when she is dancing in the kingdom and her eyes are closed and she is spinning around and the world seems to multiply around her. I felt that in my heart. Sometimes I still do. I have this innate desire to love life and explore. This is deeply rooted in my core. I sometimes feel a yearning that tugs at my stomach and my heart and brings me to tears thinking about how I want to be this way (aka I am tearing up right now just writing about it). I love this side of me. It allows me to get out of my self, my worries and my routine, and helps me focus on others.
Another part of my personality is that I am incredibly structured and detail oriented... even if my house doesn't look like I am. I am really good at multi-tasking (which sometimes I think is the reason God gave us twins because it comes naturally for me to keep track of their lives). If you know me well, you know I like to have a plan and I am constantly making lists. Skin-care to try, books to read, chores to do, etc. I research purchases for hours before settling on the right one. And my mind somehow keeps track of it all. Another part of this structured side of me is that I think about the future and the consequences of my actions. Back to college I wanted to do a fun, spontaneous camping trip with my roommates... but I didn't because I was worried about spending too much money which would keep me from being able to fix my car if it broke down later that year. I literally thought about the possibility that MONTHS FROM NOW my car would break down and I couldn't bring myself to forget about it and go have fun.
This is something that I do. I have these deep yearnings for freedom, but almost always structure wins.
This reflection has helped me realize that this struggle isn't new. What is new is that I have KIDS. And on the rare occasion in college that I would throw caution to the wind and fully embrace my adventurous side, I still didn't have kids... or any other true responsibilities keeping me from doing it.
So now I am realizing that having my kiddos and having all the added stress of going from zero kids to two kids and not knowing how to parent just one kid but now being expected to parent two isn't making me any less ME. It is just that I have more responsibilities that suppress that spontaneous, free spirited, I've always wanted to just wake up one morning and say "I'm going to Ireland today" side of me. I just need to figure out a way to tell myself it is okay to not be structured all the time. I think I suppressed that spontaneity so much in college- thinking I had all these hard and fast responsibilities- that now that I actually have children to keep alive I am realizing what I missed out on.
My personality has changed a little since becoming a mom of twins- I am not as obnoxiously outgoing as I was in high school, I am more of a yogi-lifestyle lover, and I do most of my shopping online to avoid the carseat(s) debacle. But before I did all this reflection I felt like I had lost major aspects of my nature. Which isn't true. This struggle has been a part of me for as long as I can remember- and I am sure it will take years more to figure out. I am not saying that I won't ever be spontaneous now that I have kids. Just this spring my best friend convinced me to indulge and go on a quick camping trip... and we brought the kids. It was lovely. I want to show them the two sides of me and let them know its okay to let loose and have fun and forget about responsibilities every now and again. But I want them to understand that we all need structure, too. Its a balance. And I am still figuring it out.
much love, G
