Sadness and discouragement have been a recurring theme this past week. Each day I have powered through work and conversation only to find myself laying in bed struggling to fall asleep. The gloom seems more like a wet blanket than a wall; weighing me down, not necessarily halting my progression. Time passes so slowly and it feels like no matter what I do- by the end of the day I will still be sad.
Then today I watched a TV show-- the storyline took a turn I never saw coming in which a woman was raped. The show did a tasteful job, not showing graphic images, but the idea was enough for me to internalize the fear. Growing up my mom always said that empathy was one of my gifts... right now it feels more like a curse. The emotions coursing through me feel so real- sadness, guilt, pain, frustration, despair- they are consuming my mind.
I do not want to feel this way. I do not like seeing AJ's face full of concern. I have always heard and taught that we can choose the way that we feel despite our trials or circumstances. Even though it is difficult, tonight I will try to practice what I preach.
Step 1: Listen to a conference talk
I found a beautiful talk on hope by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf. It is entitled The Infinite Power of Hope from his conference address in October 2008. If you are dealing with a trial, specifically one in which hope seems lost, I encourage you to read this talk.
He talks so confidently and assuredly that there is hope even in the most difficult of times. He relates scripture after scripture showing examples of when Heavenly Father provided hope to the weary. This talk made me think of examples from my own life when I had hope in the gospel. This hope in the past helped me to overcome the influence of the adversary. I know it can do so now.
Step 2: Listen to uplifting music
I am listening to beautiful music as I am writing this. Encouraging, uplifting songs that help me feel the peace that comes from our Savior. I am not trying to shove out the emotions brought on by the week... instead I am trying to open my heart to other emotions. Thoughtfulness. Hope. Dedication. Desire. Gratitude.
The feelings of despair that the Adversary wanted to consume me will instead change me. They will make me a more empathetic woman. They will make me an advocate for peace. They have made me a more grateful daughter of the most kind God.
I know that this one night will not cure me of trials and sadness forever. Next time, though, I will have tools and a deeper testimony to back me up. In a way I am grateful for this experience. I know that all trials are given to us in the hope that they will make us stronger.
Most importantly I am grateful for my Savior, Jesus Christ. The thought keeps coming back into my mind- He knows exactly how to comfort me. He knows exactly how to comfort every single one of us in our nights of darkness and despair. I know He gained this knowledge in an act of undeniable love. I know He sacrificed Himself for us as a way to bring us home to Father- in Father's presence despair ceases. An eternity of joy is waiting for me if I can overcome these weeks of sadness and discouragement.
and i will.
